J O T D

[hamjam]

A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[LoHo]

Speaking of Red Adair...

A welding accident in a south Texas oil derrick resulted in a towering flame and sooty ash all around. The owner contacted Red Adair who said he'd charge a cool million to tackle the fire. Being frugal, the Texan did a web search and contacted a Canadian firm from Newfoundland that would do the job for $50,000. They promised to be there with their own equipment at noon the following day.

At 11:55 the next morning, the Texan stepped out out of the command trailer and saw a pickup truck approaching, loaded down with furry guys wearing parkas and knitted caps. To his dismay, the truck went right through the barrier and smacked into the wreckage of the derrick, whereupon the crew lept from the truck and began beating at the flames with their parkas and woolen blankets.

After a couple of hour the Newfies had smothered the flames and a Texas crew was able to cap the well. The owner approached the apparent Newfie leader as they all sat around, huffing and puffing, some still in their smoking parkas, cracking open some cold Labatt's at a rapid pace.

"Damn son, that there's the most impressive thing I ever seen! The way you boys just charged right in and tackled those flames was amazin'!" He handed over the $50,000 check. "Whatch y'all gonna do with the money?"

"Oh, t'anks, eh," the Newfie replied, "The first t'ing we gonna do is fix da brakes on dat damn truck, eh!"

[slow mo]

happy saint patricks day

The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)

At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.

The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?

[XSive Okie]

How I ended up in the ER-

Wife: Honey, do these jeans make my butt look fat?

Husband: No, the Twinkies and chocolate cake do.

[planedick]

Expensive cigars

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[planedick]

Presidents day

I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom

asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said, "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" ... I was waiting for something
profound...

He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House

and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea.

[planedick]

Bubba's hooker

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars”, she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

“What's going on here people?”, asks the officer.

“I'm making love to my wife!”, Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I'm sorry”, says the cop, “I didn't know.”

Bubba says, “Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face…”

[slow mo]

just my point of view

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it.

ride safe ,,slow mo!

[planedick]

Lack of oil

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC


Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.

[slow mo]

canadian temperatures

Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.

40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup

[CatatonicBug]

Kinda tacky, but ingenious, nonetheless!

[Rasputin]

Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened....?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management Lesson:

Always carefully consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[planedick]

Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

[slow mo]

more newfies

You know you're from Newfoundland when...

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

[slow mo]

gotta love then newfees

>
>
> Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Angie, half his age, in a
> small coastal Newfoundland community.
>
> After several months, Angie complained that she had never climaxed during
> sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfoundland women are entitled to
> a climax at least once in a while.
>
> To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no
> trustworthy doctor anywhere on the Burin Peninsula .
>
> The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer,
> his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding,
> with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
>
> He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over
> them while they were having sex. 'This, the Vet said, 'would cause the young
> wife to cool down, relax, then climax.'
>
> The couple hired a strong young man from Port Aux Basques to wave that big
> towel over them as the Vet suggested.
>
> After many efforts, Angie still had not climaxed so they went back to the
> Vet. The Vet said for Angie to change partners and let the young man have
> sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.
>
> They tried it that night and Angie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting
> climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
>
> When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
> boasting voice said:
> "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin' towel!"