J O T D

[planedick]

Southern cop humor

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[STEPPENWOLF]

This is a put on right? I mean, a hilarious put on, but still a put on right? No?

Of course it's true..it's on the internet and in the JOTD thread.

[Special Ed]

Oh c'mon

This is a put on right? I mean, a hilarious put on, but still a put on right? No?

[STEPPENWOLF]

http://videosift.com/video/Miss-USA-2011-Should-Math-Be-Taught-In-Schools

[slow mo]

damm church!

A crusty old guy walks into the local Church and says
to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.'

The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this church.'

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that his secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. '
'I see,' said the pastor. 'And this bitch is giving you a hard time?'

[planedick]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "
First Place!," said Snow White.


They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

[slow mo]

Us recession

THE U.S. RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[je2wheeler]

An actual Craig's List ad

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST AD
To the guy who tried to mug me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2019-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when it is pointed at your head… isn’t it!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I threw your wallet into the big pink ”pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb…. After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.)
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you… but I feel this type of retribution is far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex

[je2wheeler]

Poof!

A man was walking on the beach near San Diego deep in thought when he stumbled over an old brass oil lamp in the sand. He picked it up and brushed some sand from it - “Poof!” a genii appeared.
“For freeing me from my thousand year prison, I will grant you any one wish. There is nothing beyond my power. Now what is your wish!?”
The man looked out over the braking waves and said,” I have all my life wanted to visit Hawaii but I get deathly sea sick and I have a morbid fear of flying. Genie, I wish for you to build for me a bridge so that I may drive to Hawaii.”
The genie was aghast. “Do you realize that there is not enough steel available to even reach half hay to Hawaii! There is not even close to the concert reserves in the entire world to even think of a foundation of such a bridge. On my knees I plead you to make another wish!”
The man thinks and says, “Sure, sure genie, I have all my life loved every woman in my life but they all tell me that I can never understand them and all have left me. Genie, for my wish I ask that I may understand women.”
The genie looks defeated as he asks the man, “How many lanes do you want on that bridge?”

[je2wheeler]

Little Johnny's worms

Little Johnny’s grandparents gave him a chemistry set for his birthday. Little Johnny began to mix all the chemicals together. Soon he had a bowl of goop. Just out of curiosity, Little Johnny went to the back yard and dug up some earthworms. He dipped one worm into the goop and placed it on his table. Sprang! The worm went from being curled up to very striate, four times longer and very hard. Just at that time, Little Johnny‘s grandfather walked by. “Whacha doing Johnny?” “Whatch this Grandfather.” Said Little Johnny as he dipped another worm in the goop. Sprang! “Whacha going to do with that goop Johnny?” asked Grandfather. “Trade it for a little red sports car, Grandfather.” Said Little Johnny. “I’ll give ya a little red sports car for that goop Johnny.” “Okay Grandfather.” And Grandfather snatched it up and was gone!
Two days later, Little Johnny asked his grandfather about his little red sports car. “Oh, it is out behind the barn and all yours Johnny.” said Grandfather. Little Johnny tore out of the house and as he slid around the barn, he ran slap into a big, long, black, shinny Cadillac. Little Johnny was hugely disappointed as he walked back to the house with his head hung low and kicking at the ground. As Little Johnny walked into the house, Grandfather asked “What’s wrong Johnny?” Little Johnny said, “Grandfather, there ain’t nothing out there but a big, long, black, shinny Cadillac.” “No Johnny, the little red sports car is on the other side of the Cadillac. The Cadillac is from your grandmother.”

[slow mo]

mens rules

at the risk of offending every woman

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

_________________

[slow mo]

Senior texting code

Seems that more and more "older people" are texting and tweeting, and there
appears to be a need for an STC (Senior Texting Code) that we can all use
and understand. (Hmmmmmmm, I wonder which ones I'll use the most.?)

* ATD: At The Doctor's

* BFF: Best Friend Flatulated

* BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

* BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM: Covered By Medicare

* CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

* DWI: Driving While Incontinent

* FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

* FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

* FYI: Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

* GHA: Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL: Living On Lipitor

* LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

* ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

* SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

* TTYL: Talk To You Louder

* WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

* WTP: Where's The Prunes?

* WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

_________________

[slow mo]

why she changed hotels

on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely and booked a hotel.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really
want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[slow mo]

life,s rules

LIFE'S RULES

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan
to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

> 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

cheers
Slow Mo!

[planedick]

Ten commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.