J O T D

[je2wheeler]

At the light

Joe and Bob were stopped at a light when they saw a dog on the corner licking his privets.
Joe “I wish I could do that.”
Bob “I don’t know dude, he looks really mean.”

[je2wheeler]

In a baaad way

A Honda rider, a Kawasaki rider and am XS11 rider were riding down a country road one afternoon when they happened upon a lamb stuck in the fence.
The Honda rider says, “I sure wish it was Gwyneth Paltrow.”
The Kawasaki rider says, “I sure wish it was Meg Ryan.”
The XS11 rider says, “I sure wish it was night.”

[planedick]

Swishing cure

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s
temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water.
I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does nothing…it's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick."

[je2wheeler]

Good Ol' Gunny

After 30 years active duty with the Marines, it was strongly suggested that Gunny retire. After the initial shock settled, Gunny got to thinking how nice it would be to fish and brink beer everyday if he wanted.
After a few weeks of tiring to catch drunken fish, Gunny found himself bored. One evening, while listening to the radio, Gunny heard an add about a local college offering adult sex education classes.
Sex being one of Gunny’s favorite subjects, he decides to attend.
Gunny arrives at the appointed place yet a little late for the class. As gunny inters the class, he sees a class full of men and women of all ages and ethnic persuasions. The pretty young teacher asks Gunny to add his name to her list and to take a seat. As Gunny finds his seat at the back of the class, the teacher says, “Welcome to our Adult Sex Education Class. I have found the best way to set everyone at ease is starting here at the front of the classroom, each of us to stand, give our name and how many ways we know to have sexual intercourse.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”34, 34, I know 34 ways!”
The teacher says, “Now Gunny please wait your turn.” Gunny sits down all excited. The teacher points to the first student. The 25 year old man stands, gives his name and says, “I know of 7 ways of having sexual intercourse.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”34, 34, I know 34 ways!”
The teacher says, “Now Gunny please wait your turn.” Gunny sits down all excited.
Next a 40 year old woman stands, gives her name and says, “I know of 9 was of having sexual intercourse.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”34, 34, I know 34 ways!”
The teacher says, “Now Gunny please wait your turn.” Gunny sits down all excited.
Then a very young girl stands, blushes, gives her name and says, “I only know of 1 way of having sex.”
“Only 1?” Asks the teacher, “What way is that?”
Blushing bright red, the young girl says, “Well that’s where the boy and girl take off their cloths. The girl lies down on the bed on her back and the boy lays down on her and they do it.”
Gunny jumps up and shouts,”35, 35, I know 35 ways!”

[je2wheeler]

Bird watch'n

I was able to finish out my Birder's Pocket Logbook with these last entries;

The Ooh-aah Bird. Indigenous to the jungles of New Guinea. A one pound bird that lays a two pound egg. You can see them in the jungle calling, “Ooooooooooh! Aaah.”

The Ke-Ke bird, indigenous to the higher elevations of the Alps. You can see them perched on the icy wind blown mountain tops calling, “Ke, ke, Christ its cold!”

The Ooh-ooh bird, indigenous to the jungles of the Philippines. A small bird with one inch legs and two inch testicles. You can see them landing in the jungle calling, “Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!”

The Rat-a-tat-tat bird, indigenes to the cities of the Philippines. Very similar to the Ooh-ooh bird except you will only see them landing on corrugated tin roofing.

[planedick]

Irish?

I was in a pub last night and saw two “girls of size”
(as PC now requires us to say) by the bar.

They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making
assumptions about their origins I said,
"Hello, are you two girls from IRELAND?"

One of them screamed, "It’s WALES you f**king idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said,
“Sorry, are you two whales from IRELAND ?”


That's when all hell broke loose!

[trbig]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Rasputin]

The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about this.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he'd have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual ...method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said," How does that feel now?"The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots

[rover]

horses

This one is for all you Wisconsinites. Do you know why horses have tails?


So our Amish friends won't have to stare at Gov Scott Walker while riding in their buggies.

[Jfries]

haha

this one is funy too


Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours!"

[Jfries]

A very, very difficult question for Abby to ponder:

here is a semi long one.



Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[planedick]

Another blond joke

Gunshot To The Head... Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of h...er head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. However, the defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[Rasputin]

Calories:

Calories:
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as
running 8 kilometres.
Who the hell runs 8 kilometres in 30 seconds

[b.walker5]

The medics were late getting to Whitney Houston. The 911 call got directed thru to NASA by mistake.

Apparently they were thrown by "it's Houston, we have a problem"

[MaximPhil]

Nigh Nurse

Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some *******'s got my pen!'