J O T D

[crazy steve]

Short joke...

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[dpotter58]

Cowboy Drinker

Don't know why I thought of Greg when I read this...

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona
, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[tw1980]

The captain of a British ship got a report that a Spanish ship was off the port bow.He replied"bring me the red shirt"After the battle the first mate asked why.The captain replied that if he became injured during the battle the crew would not see the blood and would continue to fight.A few days later the captain received a report that there were several Spanish war ships closing in on them and with in canon range.He replied "bring me the brown pants"

[planedick]

The Irish preist

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from
his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment, Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

[je2wheeler]

Furry leather

Ever wonder why PETA will publicly denounce the use of fur and not leather? It is easier to harass a woman in fur than a biker in leather.

[crazy steve]

Dog on a Plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[madbiker]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

[je2wheeler]

Two more

The old farmer met up with his neighbor. "I had to shoot my dog today." says the old farmer.
"Was he mad?" asked the neighbor.
"He sure wern't pleased." said the farmer.

A hot air balloonest lost his way and dumped hot air to get close enough to the ground to call down to an old farmer. "Where am I?"
"You'r in a balloon you dang fool!"

[Rasputin]

If my body was a car, I would be trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps, dents, scratches & my headlights are out of focus.
My gearbox is seizing up & it takes me hours to reach maximum speed.
I overheat for no reason and every time I sneeze, cough or laugh either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[fredintoon]

Hitler wants to go to Sturgis

Warning! This German language film clip has English subtitles that use the F-word. Do not open if you are P.C. or a minor.

http://www.youtube.com/v/nUY-H3vWhzY&hl

Enjoy!

[Rasputin]

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila totest for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

[STEPPENWOLF]

Watch thru credits...
http://vimeo.com/25845008

[fredintoon]

Lady gets a phone call from her health provider:-
Mrs Smith, Mrs John Smith?
Yes?
This is your health provider, we have mixed up your husband's test results with those of another John Smith so we can't tell who has what.
So run the test again.
Recent budget cuts mean we won't pay for another test as they are very expensive.
So what do they both have?
It's not good, one has Alzheimers and the other has syphilis.
So what can I do?
In cases like this, we advise that you drive your husband down town and leave him there. If he finds his own way home, don't sleep with him.

[planedick]

'nother blond joke

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm sitting down."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

[crazy steve]

Here's a Thanksgiving-themed joke...

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"