J O T D

[BA80]

Lmao

From my facebook page. Charley is a friend and Colleen OWNED him......

[pbaker27]

Didn't see this posted before, my father emailed me this video, say I could have had a running bike like this instead...

http://www.youtube.com/embed/iKqpvriKZuA

[LoHo]

A longtime married couple are having sex when the husband suddenly stops and remains motionless. His wife waits a second or two, then asks, "What the 'ell are you doing?"

He replies, "Shut up! It's a move I saw on PornHub...it's called 'buffering'!"

[slow mo]

the sensitive man

Post subject: The Sensitive Man






- I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we are stoning her in the morning!

- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers. I did. She's 25, and her name's Beverly.

- I went to a new bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

- A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you can reincarnate but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.
I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.

- The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the end of the driveway.

[slow mo]

are you the father of one of my kids?

Post subject: I think you are the father of one of my kids




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[xs11jack]

A nice guy walks into a bar....

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!' I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'"


There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole darn thing!
But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[DGXSER]

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!! I LOVE it!!!!! I can just hear this person saying this as they watch the "Carnage" ensue ..... "Somthing just went wrong...Somthing just went horribly horribly wrong!" And oh, the inside of a fast food dumpster....PERFECT!

[bikerphil]

http://fromthetrenchesworldreport.com/peta-crashes-biker-gathering-not-to-be-missed/27275/

[Rasputin]

I would like to share a personal experience with you guys about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the
years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and
had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police
road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have
never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with
it now that it's in my garage.

[hamjam]

This is not true at all .all of us eastenders know that at the west side of Yonge St. water pours over the edge and there be dragons there
Jim

Hi Jack,
only in Toronto, where all men know that the world is flat and that the edge is just outside the 401.

[fredintoon]

Fred, even in Canada you might get that reaction!!!
Ole Jack

Hi Jack,
only in Toronto, where all men know that the world is flat and that the edge is just outside the 401.

[xs11jack]

Fred, even in Canada you might get that reaction!!!
Ole Jack

[MaximPhil]

For Fredintoon Eh!

A couple are at the airport in Arizona awaiting their flight.
They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens and all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.
An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress.
The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they’re from?"
He replies, "How would I know?"
She counters, "You could go and ask them."
He says, "I don’t really care. You want to know, you go ask them."
She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks,
"Excuse me. Noticing the way you’re dressed, I wonder where you’re from?"
The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".
The woman returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

[crazy steve]

Fixed!.....

[slow mo]

sorry i messed up !! the punch line is,, Remember when you needed 43 vote,s for membership!!