J O T D

[LoHo]

"There was a bit of confusion at Cabelas' this morning.

I wanted to get some ammo before the congress had a chance to impose more hoops for us to jump through.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of 9 mm, 357 & 12 gauge shells, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us a little clearer!"
__________________
I had a similar experience, but mine turned out better...now they let me park in the handicapped stall.

[slow mo]

three women

a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the

poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been ****ed, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

[trbig]

There was a bit of confusion at Cabelas' this morning.

I wanted to get some ammo before the congress had a chance to impose more hoops for us to jump through.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of 9 mm, 357 & 12 gauge shells, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us a little clearer!

[slow mo]

a bit of bull

i,m with you Fred ,,i can hardly pull up to a set of lights without some babe beggin for a [ ride] i,m sick of it and really tired of gettin laid i,m not just eye candy to be used by all these women!! dam you sidecar!!! now on days when i want to avoid it i fill the hack with beer and ice ,,no room for the babes ,,until my strength returns ride with safe,s slow mo!!

[slow mo]

celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."


He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'


I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,


And whispered,


'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'


And thus began my life of celibacy.....

[Rasputin]

A young boy's confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'


'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides
over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


'Four months' vacation and five good leads ...'

[Rasputin]

Pre-nuptial agreement --- senior style

An elderly couple in their 70's were about to
get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

[slow mo]

just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'


I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

[MaximPhil]

Honeymoon

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening after the honeymoon he was assembling some gear for a hunting trip. His wife was watching him. She finally speaks.

“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, your boat and the motorcycle.”

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife? I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't.“

[slow mo]

mail order bride

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite

of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully

suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out

on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

[crazy steve]

My ex-mother in law and the judge who presided over my divorce were trapped in a burning building, and there was only enough time to save one of them. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make ...... have lunch or go to a movie.

[slow mo]

marry an irish girl

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A IRISH GIRL!

Three men got married.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do... ...all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates though.

[Rasputin]

Ho Ho dingers

Depending upon your level of humor, you either laugh at these, or give your head a shake and move on!

The wife's back on the warpath again - she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did, was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought. To hell with it. I'll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked.
I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered MacDonalds serve breakfast until 11.30.

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.” Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "
Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

[Special Ed]

Ok, it's bad, I know, but still...

Two Muslim women are sitting in a coffee shop in Gaza City. The conversation quickly turns to family, and they compare family photo's. One pulls out some photographs and says to the other: “This is Ahmed: had he not martyred himself he would be 18. This,” she continued, “is Mohamed: he would be 16 had he not sacrificed his soul to Islam!” The other woman nods sympathetically. “And this,” continues the first woman, showing another photo, “is Ishmael: he would be 14, but he, alas, has also become a martyr for God.” The other woman sighs and says: “Yes, we must enjoy them while we can. They blow up so quickly these days...”
Special Ed

[je2wheeler]

Rubber band

A guy calls out, "Has anyone lost six hundred bills rolled up in a rubber band?"
"Yes!" rings out another guy.
The first guy, "I just found the rubber band."