J O T D

[jeffe]

A little boy was sitting on a footpath with a bottle of turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had there.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;it's called turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

[planedick]

Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[CatatonicBug]

Saw this on Notalwaysright.com today, and had to share.

(I’m a waitress taking the order of a little girl and her mother.)

Young Daughter: “I’ll get the mac’n’cheese. Extra cheesy!”
Mother: “No, you certainly will not. It’s your third day eating mac n’ cheese, missy! You’re going to get chicken and broccoli.”
Young Daughter: “But mommy! Eddie said that broccoli is bad for you!”
Mother: “Your brother most certainly did not!”
Young Daughter: “Yeah! The other day I saw him smoking his broccoli and when I asked if I could he looked at me and said that it’s very bad for little girls like me. His eyes were all red and everything!”
Mother: “When was this?!”
Young Daughter: “Yesterday! But his friend brought over more broccoli today. They’re weird.”
Me: *feeling very awkward* “Ma’am, I can get the check for you if you’d like to leave?”
Mother: “That’d be great. And could you box up an order of mac’n’cheese please? Oh, and some really good smelling stuff? I figure they’ll have the munchies and I want to torture them.”

[Rasputin]

Alberta

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Alberta, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Alberta are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Ottawa Ont. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[lee_dutcher]

Rolf!!!!

[STEPPENWOLF]

biker rally

Four guys have been going to the same motorcycle rally for many years. Two days before the group is to leave,Bill's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Bill's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bill sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said. 'guess Who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

[slow mo]

Jotd

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted: "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied: "now just rest and let the poison work."
__________________ride safe ,,slow mo!

[Special Ed]

So-o-o-o-o true!

Oops, blew my message in the subject Bar: s-o-o-o-o TRUE!
Happy New Year!
Special Ed

[Kronk]

If you give a woman food, she will give you a meal. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her a kiss, she will give you love. If you give her crap, she will unleash a world of sh!t to the likes of which you have never witnessed.

[Rasputin]

Weeweechu

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

[cywelchjr]

I'm thinking that he thought if he flogged that dead horse long enough it would get up and run.
Another example of "owning a welder does not make you a welder".
If the goofball lived here we would say he lived in Galt. (A known white trash stronghold of the past).

No offense meant to any current white trash.....

That was just plain Oogly. (Ten times ugly)

Of if just slightly more north we would say he lived in Rio Linda, which is just a couple of miles north of my house. Rush Limbaugh used to joke about the old cars up on blocks there, as he started his rise to fame from here. Trouble is, the jokes had more than a bit of truth to them.

[latexeses]

I'm thinking that he thought if he flogged that dead horse long enough it would get up and run.
Another example of "owning a welder does not make you a welder".
If the goofball lived here we would say he lived in Galt. (A known white trash stronghold of the past).

No offense meant to any current white trash.....

That was just plain Oogly. (Ten times ugly)

[Kit]

I weep for the future.

[Kronk]

... This guy is proof that reproduction NEEDS to be federally regulated... Rise up with me, and fight for the cause!! I almost joined this forum just so I could let him know he is a pylon... But creative!!

[bikerphil]

This guy with pics of his custom exhaust, LMAO.

http://www.ninja250forum.com/index.p...6&topic=3395.0