J O T D

[xs11jack]

Loveable Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X- rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made
it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.


On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

[Rasputin]

After a southern gent had been served in a Las Vegas
cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and
said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly,
luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece
uh ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever
had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room,
smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin'
and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't
we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat
down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will
there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure
'preciate what y'all just did fur me; it was real
sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in
Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still
need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[Rasputin]

Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull. The largest of the three said,"Well, he ain't getting none of my cows." The medium bull said,"He ain't getting none of my cows." The little bull said,"Well, if he ain't getting any of yours, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine." Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He's big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says,"He can have my cows," the medium bull says,"He can have mine, too." The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on."What's with you?" the other two asked."I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!"

[planedick]

Canadian humor

A black comedian from Canada said:
"Yep, that's right... I MISS Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a REAL black man as President.
Number one, he played the sax.
Number two, he smoked weed.
Number three, he had his way with ugly white women.
Even now, look at him... his wife works, he doesn't; yet he gets a check from the government every month!

Supermarkets announced that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' presidents. (It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.)

And would you believe, Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line in honor of Bill Clinton? The Dodge Drafter will début soon; it's already in production at its Canadian plant.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had a foreign one!"

Clinton even revised the judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I've convinced myself it to be, the whole truth as I believe it should be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

[STEPPENWOLF]

I like to wear Wolf T shirts but those of us who do always draw attention to ourselves.



And then a well kept secret leaked out about Wolves..........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPB45AUmchM

[planedick]

New doctor

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

[planedick]

Baby doctor

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

[Rasputin]

What would you do

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight. While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100 the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it!! I lied when I told you I inherited the money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to- side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[Rasputin]

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!

[planedick]

Old butch

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

[planedick]

My living will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine

and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine


The little bastards.

[xs11jack]

another true hunting story

As you all know, the hunting stories posted here are as truthfull as we can make them. So I present here the story of my hunting trip to Canada.
This year I went the Saskatoon area to hunt. Each time I go, Fred gathers a bunch of fellow hunters and XS11 riders. This year was a little different. Although is not well known, Fred is a bit vane about his appearance. The problem is that he needs glasses to see distances, but will not wear them. So on the first day in the woods, we all went our individual ways. Fred slipped between the tress and bushes, and about 8:00 am,l saw the bushes ahead of him moving! He carefully aimed his .303 British rifle at the bushes and let fly! He went running over there and found he had killed the animal with one shot. Next he begain the task of draging it to the camp. He was almost them when he met another hunter in our party. The hunter saw what Fred was dragging and went ghost white. Fred, Fred, that isn't a deer, That's Jack Higgens, my next door neighbor! Oh, this terrible, I was sure that is was a deer!! We have to do something, maybe we can get help in town at one of our helthcare clinics. His friend said that there wasn't much hope but he would haul Fred and the unlucky Jack to town. In town they found a clinic and brought Jack to the emergency room, and went to the waiting room to see what could be done. A while later the surgeon came out to talk to them. Fred jumped up and said doc you gotta do your best, you gotta save him!! The surgeon turned to Fred and said well Fred, it would have been easier if you hadn't field dressed him!!!!
Ole 'straight shooter' Jack

[DGXSER]

True effects of Global Warming

Here is some of the real horrible effects of Global Warming, and the excess cutting of trees.......

[crazy steve]

Ya gotta love this one.....

http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Refrigerator-Upgrade-Magnet.html

[b.walker5]

My kind of Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"