J O T D

[XSive Okie]

A divorce court adjourns, and two rednecks come walking out. The woman is obviously upset and cannot control her sobbing. Finally the man turns to her and says "Aw, honey, what ya crying fer? We're still cousins!".

[jmnjrpa]

Hot and cold

The
Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.
Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed
the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature
in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him
to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --
on the controls.



I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself.

[planedick]

Steve goes to the doctor

Steve goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, Steve, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your
Prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

Steve obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great Steve". Now turn over on your left side and again,
While I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, Steve says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good Steve”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
With your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
This hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
To keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

Steve begins, "One .. Two ...Three".

[xs11jack]

In the desert

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF! The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF! The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
POOF! The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

[xs11jack]

I like this cop!

A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a**hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A**Hole?"
Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[xs11jack]

Buying a horse

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[xs11jack]

too much coffee

Too much Coffee
You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

[xs11jack]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[xs11jack]

A husband asks his wife...
"You never argue when I get mad at you...
How do you always control your anger?"

"I clean the toilet."

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush."

[DGXSER]

Life without enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? ' 80% held up their hands. All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."



You Know you've Been Married to Long When....

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do? Two days later, the three get to the camping site, only to find Frank sittin’ there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cookin’ on the fire. “Damn man! How long have you been here? And how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sittin’ in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand, and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes. She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.' So here I am."

[CatatonicBug]

This one was also copied from another website, but I had to share it here.

(A customer approaches the service counter.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Is this the real life?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Is this just fantasy?”

Me: *catching on* “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”

Customer: “D*** it! I was trying to prank you! You shouldn’t know what I’m doing!”

Me: “Doesn’t really matter to me, to meeee.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms off*

[b.walker5]

Cut and Pasted from another website. I make no claims as to the accuracy of the opening statement.

These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[Rasputin]

Speed reading

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _



Answers Below, Don't cheat
















Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU!

NO COMMENT

[CatatonicBug]

[Rasputin]

A cow, an ant and an arsehole

A cow, an ant and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow: " I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!! "

Ant: "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and
that's why I am the greatest!!
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