J O T D

[Rasputin]

laugh for the day

I was standing in a bar in Glasgow yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?"

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

[BA80]

Ha ha ha... stealin' that on Doug...

[Rasputin]

Pastor John Flapps

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.. One day he was walking down the High Street and
he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs. Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[BA80]

Ha ha......that one too....

[BA80]

Two red-necks, Ed and Red, walk into their favorite local watering hole, sit down at the bar, order up a couple of beers, and commence to shooting the breeze on various and sundry things. At a nearby table a woman starts choking on a bite of her sandwich. After a minute or so, it becomes obvious she's in real trouble.

Ed gets off his barstool, walks over and asks, "Ma'am, kin ye swaller?" She shakes her head no.

He asks,"Ma'am, kin ye breathe?" Again she shakes her head her head no.

Ed takes action. He yanks her up out of her chair, flips up the back of her skirt, pulls down her drawers, and licks her right butt-cheek. The woman is so shocked by this that she has a violent spasm which dislodges the food and it flies out of her mouth. She can breathe again.

Ed walks back over to the bar, gets back on his barstool, and takes a swig of his beer. Red looks at Ed and says,"Y'know, I always heard of that hind-lick manuever, but that's the first time I ever seen it done".

[slow mo]

slow mo

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[slow mo]

A guy walked into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, you can have a drink, but ya better not start anything

[Rasputin]

The confessional box

A guy goes into the confessional box, after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears the priest coming and says "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest responds,

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

[STEPPENWOLF]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.
The brunette says suddenly, "Oh, look at that dead bird."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news.
A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off
that building and commits suicide." The blonde thinks for a moment then
replies: "OK, you're on!" They watch for a few minutes and sure enough,
the man jumps off the ledge.

The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her,
saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that
I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would
jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't
think he'd jump off again!"

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic Genie's lamp.

The Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette.
The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them."
So she became a man.

[STEPPENWOLF]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

[Prisoner6]

And that's how the fight started ...

FUNNY stuff!!
Thanks for the laughs, STEPPENWOLF

[STEPPENWOLF]

[STEPPENWOLF]

[Special Ed]

Another Blond joke

What goes "Vro-o-m skreetch, vro-o-m skreetch, vro-o-m skreetch!"
Answer: a blond driving through a blinking red light.

And equal time:
One of Boulder Creeks finest pulled over a good looking blond in a red convertible and asked to see her drivers license."Young lady, this license says you need to be wearing glasses."
"But Officer," she responded, "I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know, this license says you have to wear glasses!"
Happy New years ya'll
Special Ed

[DGXSER]

As a Follow on to that joke Ed, absolutely true story here. When my 16 yo son went to take his driving test he forgot or could not find his actual glasses, so he was wearing his prescription sports goggles. The deputy at the license bureau told him he could not take his test because he needed corrective lenses. I tried to explain to him, but he kept insisting he could not tell if they were prescription. I suggested he try looking through them, he refused and would not budge on it. It took us ten minutes of "discussion" to get him to go get his supervisor who kindly pointed out to him that in the decade or so since his kids played sports they came out with prescription lenses for the safety goggles. So my son got to take his test, but what a debate it was to get there.