J O T D

[Luv Cookie]

Halloween Costume

Not to offend anyone, but this was kind of cute!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem (he doesn't have a computer).

A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint . A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small
parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST.

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden leg up your @ss and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[redbone]

everybody knows a stosh and yosh...right?

stosh and yosh are across the street neighbors and good freinds in an ethnic part of queens, new york.

each november they get together to hunt moose in northern canada.

november rolls around and they pack all their hunting gear and take the long 8 hr. ride to northern canada.

they drive as far as they can, then meet up with a bush pilot who will fly them the rest of the way to their hunting spot.

after a 2 hr. flight to the far reaches of the wilderness, the pilot lands on a frozen lake and lets stosh and yosh unload all their gear.

after they unload the pilot tells them "listen, you are only gonna be able to take one moose. with all the weight of your hunting stuff and tents, the plane can only carry so much. it cannot carry 2 moose carcasses".

stosh and yosh assure the pilot this won't be a problem.

5 days come and go and the pilot lands on the frozen lake to meet stosh and yosh. there they stand with all their gear and tents and 2 moose carcasses.

while the pilot waits for them to load he says "i thought i told you guys that i could not take 2 carcasses !!!" one will have to stay.

both stosh and yosh plead the case..." listen, last year Charley was our pilot and he let us take both carcasses on the plane"

pilot says, "you guys ain't bullsh!ttin me are yuz? well, i guess if Charley let you...i can too."

the plane takes off and the pilot circles the lake trying to get a head of steam to make it out of the valley and over the mountain. the plane is whining and struggling to climb and as it reaches the top of the mountain it clips the top of a tree and crashes down on the other side.

stosh and yosh are thrown clear of the wreckage and are not in serious shape. the pilot is still in the cockpit and pretty banged up.

stosh and yosh are shaking him to try to regain consciousness. the pilot finally comes around and says "geez...where the hell are we??"

stosh says, "about 150 yards further than we made it last year"

[Rasputin]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

　
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

　
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
　

The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[Rasputin]

A woman walks into the welfare office, followed by 15
kids.

"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?''

"Yep, they're all mine," she sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy," and all the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here
to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all
'Leroy' and the girls are all 'Leighroy'."

In disbelief, the case worker asks, "Are you serious?
They all have the same name?"

The mother replies, "Well, yes. It makes things easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come
running. And if I need to stop a kid who's wandering into the
street, I just yell' Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea
I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over and asks, "But what if you
just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

[XSokieSPECIAL]

I have to share this joke I just received

two little boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were
always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher
in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked
if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see
them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open , but he
made no response, sitting there wide-eyed
with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is
God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door
behind him.

When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'


















A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.'

[XJOK2PLAY]

Funny, Greg.

I saw this somewhere on here earlier, thought it was pretty good... hope I don't get in trouble for a little plagerism...

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

[XSokieSPECIAL]

Ya, Ha Ha, I saw that too.

[XJOK2PLAY]

Well, ya know what they say... the best comedy is the funniest when it's true... and that's just about the truth right there.

[hamjam]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it
happens, near Transylvania ... They were driving in a rental car along a
rather deserted highway, they had to leave their XS E at home . It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks
over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head
bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to
get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is
coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately
blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been
in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please
use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My
master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in... and an older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you.. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses
from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly,
but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that
he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost
haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"







(I am soooooo sorry........ But you really should've seen that one
coming)




What did you expect...it's free from a demented old friend on the
Internet..

[XSokieSPECIAL]

The blond and the heart attack

BLONDE AND HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting ....

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband ....

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her 4-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten @#$%#!", she screams.

'My husband,your Brother-in-law is having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[XSokieSPECIAL]

dam it

Not really ajoke but really funny

Subject: THE DAM



The Dam



This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.
State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:



SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File
No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr.Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.




These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English..

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


THANK YOU,


RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS






























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Windows 7: It helps you do more. Explore Windows 7.

[mro]

Now that was dam good and funny!


mro

[cueball]

Dam good

I find myself wondering if the if the Gov't employees were actually intelligent enough to realise that they had been politely told where to go I have yet to meet many who would be able to work it out

[tw1980]

I think the dam beavers should have to apply for a dam permit to the dam government just like any other dam person would be required to do damit!!

[LuckyEddie]

The Coffin

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night,when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.



Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,



(hopefully you're ready for this!)




The coffin stops.