J O T D

[planedick]

Bad day

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

[b.walker5]

Real Men

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this,
and you will have come far in understanding them and enriching your own
life.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips).
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run
to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path;
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection;
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can
no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship
is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married;
only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
share with her all of the joys and sorrows that the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the colourr of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names,
but this might be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

[nate]

airline

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[planedick]

Good dog....

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.’ he said.

‘What happened to her?’

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her....'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[Guy_b_g]

Killer Biscuits

[Varnae]

What's the only kind of wood that doesn't float?






Natalie

[kirmit77]

You know you're old when your wife asks you to run upstairs and make love... And you say "I cannot do both"

[fredintoon]

Duh?

What's the only kind of wood that doesn't float?
Natalie

Hi Varnae,
there are several varieties of tropical hardwoods that are too dense to float and Natalie is a lady's name but if there's a joke in there I'm too dense to see it.
Perhaps an explanation?

[Guy_b_g]

Natalie Wood, actress...Robert Wagner's wife, died in a yachting accident November 28, 1981, some say mysterious circumstances.

[Varnae]

Thanks for explaining Guy. You beat me to it. Actually I wasn't aware that it was a yachting accident, I just knew that she drowned, so I guess I learned my something new for the day. Guess that means I can go back to bed.

[Luv Cookie]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

Kids....don't you just love 'em?!

[xs11jack]

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
Father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day, Grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this; "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
Next day, the grandmother died.
"My gosh," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side!"
Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was as nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so, instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home, his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life!"
She said, "You think you had a bad day! You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

[trbig]

Not a joke... but didn't feel like starting another thread for this.. lol.

Normally, you take your bike for a ride... but sometimes your bike takes YOU for a ride. Pretty amazing recovery when shown at full speed. How he didn't rip the throttle wide open while hanging on... I'll never know.


Superbike recovery

[mstic2000]

Heard a good one today.....

If just printing more money is the solution to our economic problem (like the fed is doing) then conterfeiting would be legal.

[Montreux_Blue]

Maybe you've seen it before but I think it is hilarious!