J O T D

[Luv Cookie]

50th Anniversary

trbig....loved the cat in the suitcase!!

Here is my contribution this week....

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together
today."

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad".I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father."We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this,we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're b@stards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

[Luv Cookie]

Prayer...

A little girl's prayer to GOD……

Dear God, in this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen !!!

[Luv Cookie]

How's your insurance????

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was m@sturbating furiously. 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral s*x on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance.'

[Ken Talbot]

[Luv Cookie]

ROFL - that was pretty darn funny Ken!! Took a minute to sink in what it meant but once I figured it out I couldn't stop chuckling!


Here is my meager contribution:

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up".

[tw1980]

An elderly couple walked into a drug store and asked the clerk if they fill prescriptions."Yes"replied the clerk.Then they asked if they carried wheelchairs,walkers and a variety of other medical supplies."Yes"the clerk replied again and then inquired"why do you ask?"Well"the gentleman replied"we've decided to get married and we want to put this store in our registry".

[magnum440]

A Father watched his youngplaying in the garden

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was...

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes


Suddenly she stoped and looked at the ground

He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention

He noticed she was looking at two spider mating

"Daddy, What are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating" her father replied

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked

"That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered

" So the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked

As his heart soared with joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied, "No dear, Both of them are Daddy Loglegs"

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat....

" Well, We're not having any of that gay s#@! in our garden" she said

[b.walker5]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and sked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded yes.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do
you understand all that?'
The little boy nodded again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?'
Again, the little boy nodded.

'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother

[planedick]

Class assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved.

Then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot

in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy

territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking

[egleaves]

Short and to the point

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

[Stralya]

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says,'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his XS11, cracks a beer, lites a joint, smiles and says:





'Fill it with water.'

[b.walker5]

Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie

[Cobia]

Gay Flight Attendant

This was sent to me from a 78 y/o former neighbor from Maine:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

[Ashencone]

This was sent to me from a 78 y/o former neighbor from Maine:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

lol too good......

[Ashencone]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest.The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,

with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly

make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,

bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it, dip****,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and.....
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from
my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

LOL, man, I had to stop and wipe the tears more than once. I even read this to my wife and she agrees: If I were in your shoes, I would have done the same exact thing. My Dad once checked the "sharpness" of his hedge trimmers by putting his finger in there and pulling the trigger, lol. We're not a bright bunch.