J O T D

[Special Ed]

Talk about mad!

A man goes to see his doctor with an ailment that seems to be getting worse. After running a few test the doc comes back to the examination room and tells the man: "I'm sorry to report that you have an advanced case of hydrophobia."
The man is somber for a moment then ask for a pencel and paper.
"Oh you're not going to die right away. You will have time to make out your will," replies the doc.
"I don't want to write my will," replies the man, "I want to make a list of people I want to bite!"
Special Ed

[latexeses]

They always ask....

Don't know if this has been in here....

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied: 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

[DGXSER]

Couple oldies but goodies may have been posted before.

From a Readers Digest;

Man is cruising around town pulls up to a stop light in a not so great part of town, lady comes over and says "I'll do anything you say in three words or less for $50." The guy replies "Paint my house".


And for the lawyer haters....

A man is walking down the road, sees a buick with five lawyers in it drive over the edge of a cliff and crash at the bottom into a ball of flames. The man walks away in tears. As he walks away a police man comes up and ask him what is wrong, he tells the police man what he saw. The police man responds "so why are you crying?" The man replies "Because the Buick seats six!"

[BigDick]

urinalysis

An old lady is in seeing her doctor, the doc tells her they're going to have to perform a urinalysis. The old lady has never heard of this before, becomes confused and starts questioning the doc. Just then his beeper goes off, he excuses himself and leaves in a hurry.

The next week the old lady comes back in and the doctor is stunned, she has black eyes, a split lip, and is just generally beat up badly. "What in the world happened to you?!" the doctor asks. "Well I went home and asked my neighbor how I did one of those urinalysises. That b!tch told me to go pee in a cup! I told her to Sh!t in her hat, and the fight was on!"

[trbig]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
roaming around in Mexico ..



While sipping his tequila, he
noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.



He asked the waiter, 'What is
that you just served?'



The waiter replied, 'Ah senor,
you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'



The cowboy said, 'What the
heck, bring me an order.'



The waiter replied, 'I am so
sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull
fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure
to save you this delicacy.'



The next morning, the cowboy
returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only
special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he
called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'



The waiter shrugged his
shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...



Sometimes
the bull wins.'

[planedick]

The good fairy

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside a Maryland immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a bi g house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . .. . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans . ... . and -- PING! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough ****, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

And she disappeared.

[madbiker]

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering
Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED
or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided
itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you
do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management

[planedick]

Aaadd, know the symptoms......

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys back on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Dr Pepper I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Dr Pepper aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Dr Pepper is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Dr Pepper, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.. I put the Dr Pepper on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Dr Pepper sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

[planedick]

Timeless quotes .....

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion: that
one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more
is a congress. ~ John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are
uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself
into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket
& trying to lift himself up by the handle. ~ Winston Churchill**

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul. ~ George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his
fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ~
G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and
a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. ~ James Bovard,
Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money
from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor
countries. ~ Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which
everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody
else. ~Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be
summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ~
Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
the facts. ~ Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait
until you see what it costs when it's free! ~ P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of
taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to
give to the other. ~ Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in
politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in
you! ~ Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while
the Legislature is in session. ~ Mark Twain (1866 )

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. ~
Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary
canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. ~
Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the
equal sharing of misery. ~ Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a
taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. ~ Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the
effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. ~ Herbert Spencer,
English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal
class ... Save Congress. ~ Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians. ~ Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you
want, is strong enough to take everything you have. ~ Thomas Jefferson*

[barberad]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted.

'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1

Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2

Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket, and ran out of the church down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

[planedick]

Don't mess with old people

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable. 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? 'The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.
Go ahead. 'Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye..' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so
he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!

[DGXSER]

A lesson in Taser use..

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest.The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,

with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly

make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,

bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it, dip****,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and.....
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from
my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Jerry]

Old-timer's chick wheels



See what happens when they take your car and keys?

[Wildkat]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied . You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[red bandit]

I didn't see that one coming. Good one Wildkat.