J O T D

[trbig]

Along those lines....

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.


She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???”

There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, “DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!”

Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”

[LoHo]

You know, you can't run through a camp ground.
You can only "ran" through a campground, because it's past tents.

[GNEPIG]

Awesome thread...

Mike and Mary are traveling on the interstate when Mary decides to orally pleasure Mike. Mike is enjoying this a lot when he outs with "OH Sally!" Mary suddenly dislikes this and bites off his Johnson and spits it out the window.

In the next car back Mikes manhood sticks to the windshield and then rolls off in the wind. The 6 year old girl in the passenger seat asks her Dad, " Dad, what was that?" trying to be a good Dad he responds "it was just a bug honey". Little girl then reply's "well he sure had a big d***"...

[je2wheeler]

Sue went out on her first unchaperoned date. Her date being a hormonal overloaded teen kept trying to get under Sue’s dress yet she blocked all his advances. Finally out of pure frustration, her date un-does his pants and forces her hand in.
When Sue gets home in tears, she tells her mother what happened.
“Sue, when you go mass in the morning, you must soak your hand in holy water through the entire service.”
In the morning Sue gets a pan and goes into mass with her hand in the holy water.
Super embarrassed, Sue discreetly looks around to see if anybody noticed and she sees the girl next to her doing the same thing.
“Isn’t this embarrassing?” Says Sue.
The girl next to her says, “It could be worse, look behind you.”
Sue turns to see a girl gargling.

[je2wheeler]

Bob and Tom go hunting. Bob walks over to a fence line to take a leak. Right in the middle of his business, a copperhead strikes out and gets bob right on the end of his ____.
Bob is terrified and begs Tom for help. Tom says, "I call emergency and see the best action to take."
On the cell, Tom listens to the advice of cutting the puncher and sucking out the poison.
"What did they say!" says Tom
"They said, you gonna die."

[Gmac]

Transplants

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Six years ago, we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

[je2wheeler]

In School - - -

A note from a student’s mother, “Please excuse Tom from reading because he doesn’t like it.”


When her child’s towel was missing after a school swimming trip, an irate mother demanded of the coach, “What kind of thieving juvenile delinquent is in class with my child?!”
“I’m sure it was taken accidentally.” said the coach, “What does it look like?”
“It’s white and says Holiday Inn on it.”

[fredintoon]

A note from a student’s mother, “Please excuse Tom from reading because he doesn’t like it.”

Hi je,
Teacher's note:- "I'm sorry to tell you that your son is illiterate."
Mother's reply:- " How dare you say that? His father and I got married when he was only three."

[je2wheeler]

Hi je,
Teacher's note:- "I'm sorry to tell you that your son is illiterate."
Mother's reply:- " How dare you say that? His father and I got married when he was only three."

A good 'n - - - - -

[je2wheeler]

Language Barrier

The school principal called in an underperforming "Intro to Spanish" student to ask why he failing the subject.
"I don't know, I just don't understand Ms. Ramirez, it's like she is speaking another language."

[jetmechmarty]

Reversing Sensor

Prototype: Reversing Sensor


As soon as you reverse and hit something, it squeals.

[crazy steve]

Scam at AutoZone

Posted on another site....

This is to warn all men of a scam that can occur at places like parts houses, home improvement stores, etc. It seems that after making your purchase, while loading it into your car or truck a couple of comely, minimally dressed young ladies will clean your windshield. They'll refuse a tip, instead asking for a ride. Once in the vehicle, one will start disrobing and crawling all over you while the other steals your wallet.

This is a real problem; I had my wallet stolen 3 times last week, 5 times so far this week. Best prices on wallets seem to be at the dollar store, with WalMart coming in second.

Be careful!

[Gmac]

Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew

Pit Crew Fired

Breaking News - Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon, Professional Stock Car racer announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plea to employ Black Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 9 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.

[jwhughes3]

A couple had retired for the night and the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on gently feeling her hips first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

He whispered back ...... " I found the remote!"

John

[BillyRok]

John I laughed out loud and so did my wife...that guy is probably old enough to ride an XS1100!!