J O T D

[Rasputin]

[hamjam]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and
every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a
lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time
some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

[Rasputin]

Christmas Lights

It's that time of year again.

The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks.

They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.

[GNEPIG]

Two young GAP employees were erecting shelves in a new, soon-to-be-opened store in Florida. As work progressed, they couldn’t help but notice a number of elderly mall walkers peering into the store through the display windows as they passed by.

One said to the other: “I bet any minute now one of those old geezers is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.”

Sure enough, no sooner were the words out of his mouth when a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked the employees: “What are you sellin' in there?”

Sarcastically, one of the employees replied: “We're selling @ssholes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said: “Looks like you’re doing well – only two left!”

[fredintoon]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him,
'What the fuq do you want?'
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, 'Ahhhhh, Air Canada. '

[hamjam]

Hey Fred this is called jokes , not reality ;-)
Jim

[Jerry]

I am changing my name to Chrysler

Some of you may remember this Tom Paxton song. It is again relevant.

I Am Changing My Name To 'Chrysler'
• (Tom Paxton)
I Am Changing My Name To 'Chrysler'
I am going down to Washington, D.C.
I will tell some power broker
What you did for Iacocca
Would be perfectly acceptable to me
I am changing my name to 'Chrysler'
I am leaving for that great receiving line
And when they hand a million grand out
I'll be standing with my hand out
Yes sir, I'll get mine

Oh the price of gold is rising out of sight
And the dollar is in sorry shape tonight
What a dollar used to get us
Now won't get a head of lettuce
No the economic forecast isn't bright
But amidst the clouds I spot a shiny ray
I begin to glimpse a new and better way
I've devised a plan of action,
worked it down to the last fraction
And I'm going into action here today

When my creditors come screaming for their dough
I'll be proud to tell them all where they can go
They won't have to scream and holler
They'll be paid to the last dollar
Where the endless streams of money seem to flow
I'll be glad to tell them all what they must do
It's a matter of a simple form or two
It's not just remuneration,
it's a liberal education
Aren't you kind of glad that I'm in debt to you

Since the first amphibian crawled out of the slime
We've been struggling in an unrelenting climb
We were hardly up and walking before money started talking
And it said that failure is an awful crime
It's been that way a millennium or two
Now it seems there is a different point of view
If you're a corporate Titanic
and your failure is gigantic
Down in Congress there's a safety net for you

There is a clip of Arlo Guthrie doing the song on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daBx_PBrvSE

[Special Ed]

Post "Prop 8:"

A limp wristed young man from Kartoom
Once took a lesbian up to his room:
there they argued all nite,
over who had the right,
to do what and with which and to whom!
Special Ed

[fredintoon]

There was a young lady of Chichester
Who's legs made the Saints in their niches stir
And her breasts so they say
As she knelt down to pray
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.

[tarzan]

Saw in a wrecking yard about 30 years ago

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all through the night
It was on her and off her

[Rasputin]

'Three Chaplains'

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served As chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to People isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would Be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and They decided to do an experiment. They would all go out Into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt To convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their Experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on Crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, Went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to Find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to Him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing To do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly Grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother Of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is Coming out next week to give him first communion and Confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair Had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went Out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to My bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted Nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we Began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the Rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a Body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running In and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, Circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

[chrisso]

Jokes for a Monday...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, when OJ Simpson comes out of prison, the buffalo bills have offered him a new job, given his experience of being a wide receiver whilst inside.



I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her but I thought it would be a cheap night for you.



My wife died yesterday. She was involved in a car crash.
It wasn't the impact that killed her. Neither was it the windscreen that she hit at 30mph. And when she hit the screen her internal organs kept going until they hit her rib cage. Amazingly, this didn't kill her either. What killed her was the bullet I fired into the car seconds before she crashed. The lying, cheating bitch.




Six retired blokes are playing poker at George's house when Burt loses $1000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

George asks, "Who's going to go and tell his wife?"

They cut the pack, lowest card loses. Harry draws a two and loses. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and not to make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me," he says.

He goes over to Burt's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Harry answers, "Your husband just lost $1000 and is afraid to come home. He's has asked me to come and apologise."

"You tell him I said drop dead!" says the wife.

"Ok, I'll go tell him," says Harry.





When Barack Obama was performing his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.





I'm getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground.
This morning I caught my daughter imitating sex acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls.
I told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied, "Don't worry, Dad. He's doing her up the ****ter!"



A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"



I met a fourteen-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?



I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.
I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."
"Don't you mean history?" she replied.
I said, "Don't try to change the subject!"
__________________

[Jerry]

'Three Chaplains'

See page 7, "Conversion"

[Rasputin]

Sorry about the double post guys. I'm Bad.

[DGXSER]

Things to think about

Subject: Ponderables

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," then what does that
make the Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for
their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them
while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

24. Does that screwdriver really belong to phillip?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

25. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put
the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?


And Now the comic relief!!

>The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
>
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
>
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
>
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
>
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
>
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"