J O T D

[Rasputin]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St Peter asks
the first girl:
' Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ ? She
giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger in
the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever
had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.
' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.

One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line...
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says:
'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?' The girl replies, 'If I'm going to
have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.'

[barberad]

probably another repeat, but...

The Cuckoo Clock



Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married....If this does not make you laugh out loud, you may have lost your
sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in
the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got
away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him
why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said
'oh Sh_t! .' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee
table and farted.

[Wildkat]

Halloween Humor

One of the pics was questionable... so we have the link...

[Jerry]

Do Your Boobs Hang Low? (Halloween humor)

Follow this link:
http://www.virtualdirtygirl.com/hall..._halloween.swf

[Cobia]

Man of The House

(Don't know if it's been posted before)


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

'From now on,you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?





'The wife replied, 'The f*ckin' funeral director would be my first
Guess.'....

[Luv Cookie]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumb.

[Ivan]

An elderly couple had just finished their evening devotions. they had been reading about King David, and as was the custom they had a discussion of the reading.

Elderly Wife: "Why do you think King David had over 200 wives?"

Elderly Husband: "Well, he was hoping that when he got home from work, at least ONE of them would be happy to see him."

* * *
A young girl was spending the afternoon with her grandfather, and was staring intently at her image in the mirror.

"Grandpa, did God make me?"

"Yes Dear."

"Well, did he make YOU too?"

"Yes Dear, he did."

"Well, he is doing a MUCH better job now days."

* * *
I was really never good at dating as a young man. On my first date, my girl friend caught me popping a zit. That ended the relationship. I guess she felt the pinching on her neck.

[barberad]

Probably yet another repeat from me

Retiree Sense of Humor




Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Target won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[chrisso]

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the plans, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the Unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Shire Council for a decision.

Then ERGON demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Environmental Protection Agency say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.

I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

The Transport authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.

Then the DPI ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Anti Discrimination Commission on how many 'Stolen Generation' persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Federal Government has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not Illegal Immigrants and they have valid Work Visa's.

UNIONS say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, ATO seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally without lodging appropriate Tax Returns and the Customs people are threatening to prosecute me for taking Native animals out of the country.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.


'The Government has beaten me to it.'

[barberad]

Bad Taste Joke!

Three women had a very heavy night drinking. They left in the early hours
of the morning and each headedhome their separate ways. The next day they
all met up to compare notes about who was drunker the night before. The
first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, 'After an hour of
wandering, I just managed to get home in one piece. I staggered up the
drive, through the door, fell on my hands and knees, and blew chunks!'

The second chipped in, 'You call that drunk? Hell, after two hours of wandering I eventually staggered home. I couldn't unlock the door, so I kicked it in and slumped to the floor where I woke up this morning with debris
everywhere.'

The third friend then piped up, 'Damn, I was the drunkest by
far. When I eventually got home after three hours of wandering, I got into a
big fight with my husband and passed out in the bathroom!'

The room fell silent for a moment. Then the first girl spokeout again: 'Listen girls, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog.'

[Varnae]

An old man and his wife are sitting on the porch swing one evening just watching the world when out of nowhere she winds up and thwaps him as hard as she can in the back of the head.

"What the hell was that for?!?!?!" he says.

"That's for 40 years of being a bad lover!" she replies.

He then winds up and thwaps her in the back of the head almost knocking her off the swing.

"What the hell was that for?!?!" she yells at him.

"That's for knowing the difference" he responds.

[tmworks]

Coyote Problem

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be neutered and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwn' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

You didn't have to be there to hear the roar of laughter!

[Luv Cookie]

Might already be posted, and if so - my apologies but it's still cute!

The Nun in Hooters


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.


The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'


Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.


However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.


She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?


The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'


'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.


So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.


After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !


She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'


'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'


'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.


'You see, ' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?'

[mitch]

Bar

A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.


They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his
apartment.


She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!








It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,


after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!


Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.


After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,


'Well,how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her,



strokes her cheek,



looks deeply into her eyes,



and says:







'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'

[chrisso]

Pharmacology....possible repost .....DOH

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO...

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.