J O T D

[trbig]

THE BLIND COWBOY


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After Sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna Hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky Voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,

I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you Should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[John]

Hey!

That's an Aggie joke, not a blonde joke.

[Luv Cookie]

The Nun and the Fig Leaf

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.”

[Hammerhead1st]

Re: Not a joke.... but....

Originally posted by planedick
I hope those among you of French descent don't take this too seriously. BTW, I'm of French descent......... I don't feel the need to make excusses for the Archbishop.....

FOR SALE: French Army Rifle. Never Fired, only dropped ONCE!

[Hammerhead1st]

Cowboy goes into a bar, sits and orders a drink. He notices a gorgeous blonde woman in a short short skirt at the end of the bar. Several nods and winks go unnoticed by the blonde.

Suddenly, the blonde starts choking on a cherry.

The cowboy gets up, strolls on over to her, stands her up and bends her over the bar. He whips up her skirt, peels off her undies, and bends down and runs his tongue all the way up her butt crack. the blonde is so astonished, she gasps and the cherry comes flying out.

The cowboy goes back and sits back down.

The bartender tells the cowboy what an amazing feat that was, to save a life that way.

The cowboy stares at the bar, smiles, and says...

"Yup, that hiney-lick maneuver works EVERY time!"

[trbig]

One for the parents......


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said,'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

[blue giant]

Two Ways to Look at Everything

Subject: Two Ways to Look at Everything

> >>There is always two ways to look at everything:
> >>
> >>
> >>My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
> >>I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat
> >>alone at a nearby table.
> >>
> >>My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
> >>
> >>"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
> >>drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
> >>she hasn't been sober since."
> >>
> >>"My God!" says my wife...."Who would think a person could go on
> >>celebrating that long?"
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>Now you see, there really are two ways to look at everything

[BrianB]

Women Golfers......

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place Her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of Underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' her husband demanded

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

'For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'



Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt Also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy some underwear!'



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over Her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

'Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy Yerself up a bit.'

[tmworks]

Why parents drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'



'Is your daddy home?' he asked. 'Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, 'No.' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes.'



'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 'Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy ', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' 'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'



'A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter .' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. .. 'ME

[GNEPIG]

Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Dave and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Dave at the bar He tells Dave about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Dave says, 'What's that?'

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.' ...........

[planedick]

Drinking with a redneck girl

Drinking with a Redneck Girl


A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either. '

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and
Shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,



'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[BrianB]

The angry Squirrel attacks Motorcyclist

I thought this was good reading. Had me laughing pretty good.

http://www.fromtheoldschool.com/rece...y/squirrel.htm

[Erik the Red]

author IS known

The website has "Author Unknown" at the bottom. IIRC, our very own Daniel Meyer (aka Dragonrider) was the one who penned it. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, here. Thread on his books --> Dan's books ...and for the record, they're definitely worth reading.

[trbig]

Someone has obviously changed the bike to a Harley.... Anyone know of one that would leave the ground under acceleration? I believe the bike was a Valkerie wasn't it?


Tod

[Wildkat]

A Valk it is...

called The Dragon... they didn't even change the name of the bike in the story... I put in the words "mutant attack squirrel of death" in my search engine and found the story all over the place...

I hope Dan made some money off that book... That story was hillarious! I still get tickled at the Act of Dog story too....
Quite the all around artist, that one is...