J O T D

[Erik the Red]

Snoop Dogg jokes

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle!

Q: What does Snoop Dogg use to get his socks white?
A: Ble-otch!

-If you don't get these, that could be considered a good thing. Snoop Dogg vernacular puzzles many. ....I'll remember better jokes soon.

[Luv Cookie]

IRS Genie

A cowboy has spent days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it, and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie..."You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself showered in rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[Luv Cookie]

Little Johnny Strikes Again

Little Johnny And Bugs


Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said,

"Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

[GNEPIG]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar & orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face & says: 'I went by your grandma's house today & I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him & doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad ass biker & would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma & she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk lean on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you some thing else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes & says ……..


'Grandpa...Go home! You're drunk!!!!

[BrianB]

Good one!!!! LMAO

[old_bartender]

Two ladies talking in heaven:


1st woman: Hi! My name is Jane.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

[GNEPIG]

Ha ha ha ha... now that was funny!

[hamjam]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[SiP]

A crusty old man walks into a local Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this church.

"The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's
study to inform him of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen
to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old
geezer, "Sir,what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church
to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[planedick]

157 yrs ago....

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?

1. California became a state.

2. The state had no electricity.

3. The state had no money.

4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

5. There were gunfights in the streets.





So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands
I DID NOT KNOW THAT?
157 yrs a

[SiP]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[BrianB]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.


They planned to stay at the same hotel where
They spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.


So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.


There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.


He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.


After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the Floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[exquized1]

LOL

That just made my day!

[hamjam]

THIS MAKES ME PROUD TO BE A CANADIAN!!
U2 Concert
Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia, when he asks theAudience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice... 'Just for a moment, think outside yourself ... outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.' A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment... 'Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin',then!'

[MaximPhil]

GET YOURSELF FIT READY FOR THE RIDING SEASON.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.