J O T D

[BrianB]

Zackly Disease

A woman visited that Japanese doctor, asking what was wrong with her.

He said get undressed and get on your hands and knees and crawl to the far wall. Then turn around and crawl back to me.

So she does as she is asked. When she returned she asked, "What is wrong with me?"

"You got Zackly disease madam" said the doctor

"What's that?" she asked

"Your face look Zackly like your backside!"

[GNEPIG]

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

[trbig]

Two contributions......




A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale .


He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.


"You talk?" he asks.


"Yep," the Lab replies.


"So, what's your story?" says the man.


The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner, "How much for the dog?"


The owner says, "Ten dollars.


The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"


The owner replies, "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap!"

[trbig]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and says her body hurts, wherever
she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow
and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, then she
pushes on her thigh and more
screaming.

Pushes her ankle, more screams and
everywhere she touches, makes her
scream.

The Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are
you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so", the doctor says -
"Your finger is broken."

[GNEPIG]

Men and Women

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,

'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

[planedick]

Good luck......

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a most beautiful woman boarding the plane He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled, and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable, and blushed.

'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

[GNEPIG]

'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'


Ha Ha Ha!
Hilarous
LOL

[Da-Bubble]

LOL. I always go to the last post in this section and read my way up until I see one I've already read.

GNEPIG, I read yours first and was like ??? Then I made it to the joke. Good one!

[GNEPIG]

Two medical students were walking along the street in Minneapolis when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely
has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you
think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said:

"I thought it was a fart................. ......but I was wrong."

[exquized1]

20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".

[exquized1]

One evening a man was at home watching TV & eating peanuts.


He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a
question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He
tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.


As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter
came home with her date. After being informed of the
problem, their daughter's' date said he could get the
peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose
and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the
peanut flew out of his ear.


The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing.


Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think
he's going to be when he grows older?'


The father replied,
'From the smell of his fingers, our son-In-law.

[GNEPIG]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

[FSCGunslinger]

Just read this one today...

***

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me …. it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day the little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and! if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!”

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep the condoms in your car.

[FSCGunslinger]

Here's another...

***

Why My Secretary Got Fired

I woke up early, feeling sad because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the most of it. So I ****, showered, and shaved knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big smooch and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids.

And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

[GNEPIG]

Sentence structure can be so important:

The boss had to fire somebody, and he had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack . It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:
'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you, or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like sh!t.'