J O T D

[tomatao]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

[SiP]

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?
I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to
see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale

and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband,

would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with
pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F#*^IN' DEAD.

[prometheus578]

motorcycle related...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hJjZR3...eature=related

[Kurt]

I heard that kind of thing happens all the time in Boulder. I'm afraid of that place.

[tomatao]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Achmed the Dead Terrorist, not for the politically correct.

[GNEPIG]

Connection?



Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a sh!**y outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your @ss and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

[JWSanders]

Re: Connection?

Originally posted by GNEPIG


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a sh!**y outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your @ss and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

That's similar to optorectalitis....

A sh!##y outlook due to having one's head shoved up one's own ass.

It's a far more common condition that you might think...

[GNEPIG]

What A Woman Says - What A Man Hears

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON!
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!

[planedick]

Modern medicine....

Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.
A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman without a brain, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work.

[BrianB]

Bubba and Bush

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[GNEPIG]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with
two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests, and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[GNEPIG]

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in.

She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer is broken."

[GNEPIG]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry ****ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one mor time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[planedick]

New car

I bought a new Focus and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the Focus has Sync and the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.


I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.


Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, "Ass Holes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks and John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car.

[hamjam]

One winter morning a couple is listening to the
radio over breakfast.

They hear the announcer say, 'We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches
of snow today.We are asking everyone
to park their car on the even-numbered side of the street, so there is
room for the snowplows to get through.'

Norman's wife goes
out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast
again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12
inches of snow
today. Today you mus t park your car on
the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through.'

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car to the
odd- numbered side.





The next week they are again
having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, 'We are expecting 12
to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park ..........
Then the
power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a
worried look on her face
she says, 'Honey, I don't know what
to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snowplows can get throu gh today?'

With the love and
understanding in his voice, that all men who are
married to
blondes exhibit, Norman says,

'Why don't you just leave
it in the garage this
time.'