J O T D

[planedick]

Management problems...

A man is flying in a balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone." The man below said, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[planedick]

Buttercups

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life, better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! ....she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back," I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Harry yells back...... "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For Gods sake, DON'T SWING!!

[planedick]

Can'taffordya

Not to be outdone by all the redneck & Texan jokes…You know you’re in California when . . .

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child’s third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can’t remember, is pot legal?

6. You’ve been to a baby shower with two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can’t remember, is pot illegal?

10. A really good parking space can move you to tears.

11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 more than anywhere else in the US.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don’t even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 AM at Starbuck’s wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses, who looks like George Clooney really is George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can’t remember, is pot illegal?

18. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news: “STORM WATCH 2008.”

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or blackberrys.

21. It’s barely sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid the 300 plus weather related accidents.

22.Hey!!! Is pot illegal???

23. Both you and your dog have therapists.

[SiP]

IRISH LOVE STORY


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......
.........

.........

F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[STEPPENWOLF]

Ok then,I work out side for a living,I sometimes have multiple properties that I take care of that are on the same street but across the road. So I am trying to cross this busy road, a car stops to wave me across,two young 21 year olds,mmm I am thinking,they are waving at me , I straighten up a bit,put my best smile on,start walking across the street and the drivers window comes down,I am 53,a dream come true? I ask myself,girls gone bad,I've seen the videos,imagination ...can't say what I am thinking................window down,Cheryl Ladd look a like says" Hurry up old man I am in a hurry"

[SiP]

lmao! I'm sorry wolf, but that is funny.

[prometheus578]

"No, it's not funny."

I'm 47... I consider it tragic.

On the other hand...
My son always asks why I honk and wave to women walking down the street.
"It makes them feel good inside, son."
"How so?"
"Because then they can say to themselves...
"Wow, d'ja see that good lookin' guy wave at me!"

(With an ego like mine... I've just gotta believe.)

[mro]

I've just gotta believe

WC Fields said ....
But to miss lead a kid


mro

[BrianB]

This is a great video by Jeff Dunham.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tz0K_ZRLNFA

[Ken Talbot]

Six retired Xsives, ‘E, ‘F, ‘G, ‘H, ‘SG, and ‘LG, were playing poker when ‘E loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up. ‘SG looks around and asks, "So who's gonna tell his SWMBO?"

They draw straws. ‘LG picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make the bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet XSive you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

‘LG goes over to ‘E’s apartment and knocks on the door. SWMBO answers and asks what he wants.

‘LG declares, "‘E just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home."

SWMBO says, "Tell him to drop dead."

"I'll go tell him," says ‘LG

[BrianB]

Nice!!!

[chip]

J O T D

What did Adam say when he first say Eve?

You better stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get.



A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his cane around above his head. The store clerk comes up to the blind man and asks if there is a problem. The blind man replies "No I'm just looking around."

[GNEPIG]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a b!tch before he talks to your Mother!"

I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[prometheus578]

Sadly, there's too much truth to this.

Don't let this happen to you.


[IMG][/IMG]

[BrianB]

Missing GrandPa

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed
policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy thought for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."