J O T D

[wa407mpp]

Hey!

I grew up in Clarkston and my parents still live in Lewiston. About 40 years ago one of the Clarkston cops robbed a store and then returned to investigate the crime. He grew up there and was a high school football star,but smart he wasn't . Nice to see things don't change much after you move away.

[JWSanders]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[STEPPENWOLF]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f00bfbdd2b

[tmworks]

to cool

this is way to cool. check it out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7rAUu8djZ4

[GNEPIG]

An old Yankee couple was driving their RV across South Carolina and were nearing a town spelled Charleston. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - CHA-arle-ston; CHARLE-ston; Charles-TON; or CHUCK-town !

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this "here" place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very s-l-o-w-l-y so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said:

"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng, honey"

[hamjam]

"I was at my bank today. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

[D. P. Larmee]

A penguin is riding his XS11 through the Arizona desert when he
notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He hops off to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He rides over to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the bike off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he walks back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, It looks like you blew a seal.

No, no, the Penguin replies. "It's ice cream !"

[STEPPENWOLF]

D.P.
I can't believe this because what 1100 rider could't see the problem him/her self........:-):-).....just kidding.

[egsols]

This may not be a joke, but it's damn funny nonetheless.

Oh man JW that was hillarious!!!!!

Still lmao.

[egsols]

This may not be a joke, but it's damn funny nonetheless.

Oh man JW, that was hilarious!

Still LMAO!

[GNEPIG]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[XMRGWX]

To whom it may concern:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 orHouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please?

Jane

----------------------------------

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command "C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP:Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations.

Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and snoringLoudly .wav files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as fixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, installMotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to installHusband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,

Tech Support

[Luv Cookie]

The Raise

The Maid asked for a raise:

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: "Well madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first, that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!

[GNEPIG]

Twelve Priests

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Sean... Poor Sean.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground to where it lay to rest
in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Sean quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up. . . . .


.. and all the other bells started to ring.

[tmworks]

Two hillbillies

Two hillbillies were out fishing one afternoon. The first said to the second, “Supposin’ I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby. Would that make us kin?”

The second replied, “I don’t know about that, but it sure would make us even.”