J O T D

[FL4x4offroad]

What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?

WHHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

[Luv Cookie]

Brewster the Rooster

There was this farmer, and his hens had stopped producing eggs. Well, he talked to a buddy of his who offered to sell him a rooster that would help up his production. His price was $150.00, but came with a money-back guarantee.

Now this farmer had already spent $200.00 on two previous roosters that didn't work out on account of they couldn't satisfy his hens. Anyhow, he gambled and bought this third rooster, who's name (you guessed it) is Brewster.

Well, he got Brewster home an' threw him in the henhouse. There was all this cacklin' & squawkin', and the farmer thought, poor Brewster, he ain't a gonna make it. He comes back to the henhouse 1/2 an hour later and everything is quiet. He takes a peek in there, and all the hens are satisfied and fast asleep.

Suddenly, he heard a terrible racket out in the barn, so he ran to it and ripped the doors open. To his surprise, there was Brewster with all the cows lined up, and he was trying his best to mate with them!

"God bless it!" the farmer said, " Brewster, you're going to kill yourself!" Brewster didn't pay him no mind, and kept right on at it.
Well, the farmer had some more work to do, so he left him there, and came back a couple of hours later. He opened up the barn doors, and darned if the cows weren't all fast asleep! So he went to check on the horses, and they were tired out and fast asleep too!!!

Then he heard a ruckus from out behind the barn, and rushed to see what was the matter.

Sure enough, it was Brewster, and he had all the pigs lined up, and he was still going strong!

He cried "BREWSTER! You're Going To Kill Yourself!!!" And with that he tried to pull him off, but there weren't no budging him.
Well, it was about the time for Farmer John to turn in, so he did.

The next morning, he came out into the backyard, tripping over his satisfied and sleeping dog. After checking on all the animals and finding them in the same condition, he started looking for Brewster.

But Brewster was nowhere to be found. Finally heading out to the fields, he found him, as a result of the vultures circling over Brewster.

Brewster was lying on his back, ...both legs in the air, ...tongue dried & hanging out, ...one eye open & glassy, ...one wing over his chest, and the other splayed out on the ground.

Farmer John took a ragged breath and said “Brewster, I told you once, I told you a million times, You were going to kill yourself, and now look at you!!!!"

Brewster slowly opened up his other eye, brought the wing on his chest up to his beak as he tried to speak.

Farmer John leaned closer so he could hear Brewster’s last words....
Brewster opened up his beak, pointed up to the vultures, and said:
"Shhhh. Go'way. They're about to land."

[GNEPIG]

Thanxgivin

...
MAY YOUR STUFFING
BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY
BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES
'N GRAVY
HAVE NARY
A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE
DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE
THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING
DINNER
STAY OFF OF YOUR
THIGHS.

GOBBLE TIL YOU
WOBBLE.........

[GNEPIG]

LATEST WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses.....the results were pretty interesting:


30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.


(So, where exactly did you think this story was goin? I want to have sex with my wife someday)

(_._)

[GNEPIG]

..
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!" Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[GNEPIG]

Sad News

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described the Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

[Jerry]

Conversion....

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first." Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and very deliberately and painfully says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[GNEPIG]

Quote:
"circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Ha ha ha LOL


OLD MAN

So the story goes...

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[fredintoon]

Anthropologist wants to learn an Indian tribe's secrets. The Chief tells him he must first prove his worth by doing four sacred things, because all things come in fours.
1) He must fast for a day and a night.
2) He must chug a fifth of moonshine.
3) He must go into the bush and kill a bear with a hand axe.
4) He must make love with wide Ida the tribe's flour-packing champion.
1) goes fine.
2) gets chugged no problem.
3) after the third day, the Chief is getting worried that the anthropologist hasn't come back from the bush yet but on the fourth day he comes staggering into the village all torn & cut & bruised - - -
4) And says to the Chief, that was harder to do than I thought it would be. Now where's this big fat woman I have to kill?

[tmworks]

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, said, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they're like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and said, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[Luv Cookie]

New Diet

BEST diet story ever!!...


I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog...(DUHHHH).

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, "Oh NO! I was sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be
carried out of the store.

[GNEPIG]

A Night Out For Shamus and Murphy


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"


Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"


They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."


The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.


At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.”

[fredintoon]

Irish jokes, eh?

So Flynn won the lottery and came back from Dublin driving a red Sportscar and hadn't he only ever driven a tractor before? So he came back through the village going 70 miles an hour. Sideways.
Just at the time that Sean and Aemon were leading their stallion back from a siring job. So Sean went one way, Aemon went t'other but the stallion went everywhere. Here a piece, there a piece, oh what a mess there was to be sure.
"Aemon" sez Sean " the schoolchildren will be getting out any minute, and that there essential and still excited part of our late lamented stallion that's laying there in the street is no sight for their innocent eyes, get rid of it!"
"Oh," sez Aemonn " we are equal partners in that late unfortunate stallion so why should I be the one to pick that part up?"
"Because," sez Sean, " Our agreement was that I fed & watered the stallion at the front end and you did what was necessary at the back end and that there part is plainly from the back end."
"OK" sez Aemonn, "I agree you have the right of it."
So he picks up the still throbbing member and tosses it over the nearest wall.
Where, in the convent's walled garden, Sister Grace and Sister Ursula were peacefully taking their afternoon walk as the particular part of the stallion lands on the path at their feet.
" Oh!" sez Sister Grace " Look what the wicked protestants have done to poor Father O'Leary!"

[Stralya]

My Mother's Maiden name was Boyle.

So obviously, I don't get it.

Danny Boy.

[GNEPIG]

..
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your @sshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.