J O T D

[Prisoner6]

I thought the "Baby Boomers" among us (including myself) might like this:


The Life Cycle of a Baby Boomer

From taking acid to ... taking antacids
From lying to your parents to ... lying to your doctor
From being hip to ... replacing a hip
From rolling your own to ... rolling your ankle
From rockin' out all night to ... rocking out on the porch
From getting stoned to ... passing stones

And finally ...
From not trusting anyone over 30 to ... wishing you were still 30.

[je2wheeler]

Do you feel it?

As the Driver’s Ed student approached a right turn, the instructor said, “Use your turn signal.”
“No one’s coming.” Replied the student.
“It doesn’t matter. It might help those behind you.”
Exasperated, she looked over her shoulder and said to the students in the back seat, “I’m making a turn up here.”

[Old Red]

Here is a good clean joke that you can tell anywhere.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical
clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your
treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired:

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please
help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
$500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
$500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your
$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
outsmart an "old Geezer " !

[jwhughes3]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!

If you don't laugh at this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!

John

[je2wheeler]

I thought the "Baby Boomers" among us (including myself) might like this:


The Life Cycle of a Baby Boomer

From taking acid to ... taking antacids
From lying to your parents to ... lying to your doctor
From being hip to ... replacing a hip
From rolling your own to ... rolling your ankle
From rockin' out all night to ... rocking out on the porch
From getting stoned to ... passing stones

And finally ...
From not trusting anyone over 30 to ... wishing you were still 30.

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes?
Then you will dig these band names for aging musicians:
Counting Crows feet
R.E.Member
Nine Inch Toenales
Hair Supply
Minivan Morrison
The Early Byrds
WalkDMC

[jwhughes3]

... A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that?! There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .

He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"


John

[jwhughes3]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

John

[je2wheeler]

Military Protocol

A former WWII U.S. Navy Seaman was introduced to a former WWII U.S. Navy Captain. The seaman saluted the Captain and called out “LST 437,” which was the designation and number of the ship he served on during WWII. The Captain returned the salute and called out “LMD 54.”
“What’s an LMD?” asked the seaman.
“Large mahogany desk.”

[Old Red]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.





















"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing ," replied the drunk.

[tomcos67]

j.o.t.d.

Thanks for the laughs.

[je2wheeler]

Round-up the round up.

The farmer had 196 cows but when he rounded them up he had 200.

[dbeardslee]

One day at the old folks home

A randy old woman at the old folks home dressed up one morning in nothing but her bath robe, and headed to the men's wing.

She kicked open the first door she came to, stepped in, threw open her robe and yelled "SUPER P#$%Y!"

She continued down the hallway, kicked in the next door, stepped in, threw open her robe and yelled "SUPER P#$%Y!"

And she continued that way all the way down the hall until she got to the last room, the occupant of which had a bit of dementia. She kicked in the door, stepped in, threw open her robe and yelled "SUPER P#$%Y!"

The old man in the room hesitated for a moment, and then in a shaky voice said, "I think I'll have the soup."

[BA80]

Nevada............

[Rasputin]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana
split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[trbig]