J O T D

[BA80]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that Johnny was left.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?''

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[jwhughes3]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"


John

[BA80]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"


John

Posting this one on FB John......

[STEPPENWOLF]

[ViperRon]

Kids

This man gets his new motorcycle home and his boy of 16 runs up and said Dad I just got my permit when can I drive it. The Dad thinks for a moment and tells his boy ok but first you have some things to work on to show you can focus on things first. The Dad tells him first I want these grades in school up to an A, I want to see you studding the bible every night and cut that long hair. The dad knowing his boy, feels secure his bike is safe.

In a couple of months here comes the boy smiling from ear to ear. Dad here is the report card all A's, you know I have been studding the bible every night.

The dad now sweating says you did not cut that hair. The boy smiling again said in the bible it describes many great men Hercules Moses etc and they never cut their hair.

Poor dad now has to think and then with a grin explains.

Yes son you are right, they were great men and they walked everywhere they went just like you.

[Rasputin]

Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

[MPittma100]

Windy City Temperature Conversion Chart

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...8962656&type=1

Just sharing a little Chicago winter humor... THE WINDY CITY TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART

60° F: Arizonans shiver uncontrollably; people in Chicago are St...ill sunbathing.


50° F: Californians try to turn on the heat; people in Chicago plant gardens.


40° F: Italian sports cars won't start; people in Chicago drive with the windows down.


32° F: Distilled water freezes; Lake Michigan water gets thicker.


20° F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats; people in Chicago throw on a light jacket.


15° F: People in Chicago have the last cookout before it gets cold.


0° F: All the people in Phoenix die. Chicagoans close the windows.


10° below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico . The Girl Scouts in Chicago are selling cookies door to door.

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates; people in Chicago get out their winter coats.

40° below zero: Washington, DC runs out of hot air; people in Chicago let the dogs sleep indoors.


100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicagoans get frustrated because they can't start 'DA car.' 460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale); people in Chicago start saying, 'cold 'nuff for ya?'

500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Cubs win the World Series.

[jwhughes3]

Global Warming?

One particularly cold January morning, a husband & wife were listening to the radio and heard "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow, park on the EVEN side of the street to allow plows through". The husband continued with his coffee. The wife quickly went and moved her car accordingly.



The next week, again they heard the announcer "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today, park on the ODD side of the street to allow plows through." The husband continued with his coffee. The wife went out again to move her car accordingly.



The following week the storm strengthened. The announcer said "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow, please park -" and the station power was interrupted.

The wife became agitated - telling her husband "I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!"



The husband considered for a moment, and then told his wife "Honey, this time why don't you leave the car in the garage?"




John

[Rasputin]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care. I have now done MY part.

[STEPPENWOLF]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7FixvoKBw

[Rasputin]

Cowboy way

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

[MPittma100]

Guns and Women

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.


#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's gun, tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.


#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.


#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"


#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.



And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.

[Rasputin]

Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends."
You see, when babies **** their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
However, when old people **** their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

[Newbee]

What it feels like

My wife says this is why I don't like to ride on the back of your XS.IMGhttp:///IMG

[Newbee]

What it feels like

IMGhttp:///IMG The wife says this is why I don't like to ride no the back of your XS.