J O T D

[jetmechmarty]

Never mind. I'll unsub from this thread and you won't hear from me about it again.

'nuff said.

[Wildkat]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[Wildkat]

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[Lucien Harpress]

Q: What's the fastest thing on land?

A: Stevie Wonder's speedboat.

...

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?

A: Dam.

...

Q: Did Joan of Arc quit?

A: Naw. She was fired.

...

"Ah", said the bind man, peeing into the wind, "It's all coming back to me now..."

...

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

...

Q: Why were there 2000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo?

A: They could only find two pickup trucks.

[ozlad]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)." They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B.."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied
Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the
kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

[ozlad]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be a ble to
represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny!!)

[ozlad]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun, he shouts 'This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!' and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava, the robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts 'Did anybody else here see my face?'

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an Aussie male voice is heard from a distant corner … 'I think my missus caught a glimpse!!'

[Southhill101]

JOTD-Careful out there Guys

Letter from Wayne .. ......

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[trbig]

LOL.. I recommend NOT following this guy's advice.


Survival in the wild.


http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=5cf_1251309811


Tod

[Luv Cookie]

Good Excuse

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 m/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[Luv Cookie]

Short and Simple

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.



It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand,
a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the f*ck do you think?"

[trbig]

Not really a joke, but watch this video of an F-18 fly-by. Someone with more balls than brains...


http://www.leenks.com/link209425.html


Tod

[Rasputin]

F-16 vs C-130

THERE IS A MORAL HERE!


A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll
followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?




The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on
and said: 'What did you think of that ?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the
bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

We older folks understand this one.

[barberad]

probably already been told but...

> This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
> Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
> rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice
> for best webmail-award-winning letter.
>
>
> Dear Mr.. Thatcher,
>
> I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
> and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
> Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
> or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
> the beach in tight, white shorts.
> But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
> Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
> is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
> I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
>
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
> haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type,
> I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
> Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
> transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly
> with knife skills.'
> Isn't the human body amazing?
>
> As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
> seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
> customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
> Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping
> we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
> out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most
> women.
>
> The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
> crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
> the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
> so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
> opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
> were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
>
> Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
> middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
> happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
> mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
> FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
> anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
> Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
> march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
> sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
>
> For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
> moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull****. And that's a promise I will keep.


Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

[planedick]

Illegal crossing

The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the look out for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border of Mexico and into points along the U.S. border. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reasons to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or federal government authorities.