J O T D

[Bigge_al]

Tollet

My wife called me at work today (hate when she calls me at work over something I can't do anything about while at work) and tells me that the tollet is running.
I told her THAT WAS GOOD that the last time is used it, it was a little flush. That's when she hung up on me. Going to hate sleeping on the couch tonight.

[Luv Cookie]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[planedick]

Freaking hot down here....

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.





The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.





Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the Floor, and saw the computer screen which read:





To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now so you can send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



P.S.

Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[planedick]

Birthdays

The year is 1947



Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years
ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with
five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside
Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has
long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.




However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948,
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:




Albert A. Gore, Jr..

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J. Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer





See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

[crazy steve]

My vote's gotta go to this one, as it's just too true!!! LOLOL!!!

'78E original owner

[Ken Talbot]

Difference between men and women?

Are women born this way?

http://www.snotr.com/video/2630


And, are men born this way?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjTXLgCz-SY

[Jerry]

More computer humor Abbott and Costello

Costello calls and wants to buy a computer from Abbott…

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Hi. Yes, I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1."

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It's pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that Word is the real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

[MaximPhil]

Shortest Fairy Tale

Worlds shortest Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went
fishing and hunting, and played golf a lot, and drank beer and scotch, and had money in the
bank, scratched his balls and farted whenever he wanted to, and left the
toilet seat up.

The End

[planedick]

Your IQ

A guy goes into a bar and there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, " Martini. "

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Whats your IQ?"

The guy says, "168".

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, " Martini ". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100. "The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, " Martini ", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, " So, you people still happy you voted

[Trainzz]

English lesson

On my 55th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on the Pima Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my certificate to the medicine man and nervously awaited what would happen next.

The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the action of the medicine?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, fluffed up the three remaining hairs I have on my head, put on lots of cologne, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, the glory of my manhood expanded to fulfill both of our longings. My wife was so excited that she began ripping off her clothes. When almost fully disrobed, she asked, "Honey, what was the 1-2-3 for?"




------

And that, boys and girls, is why we should NEVER end our sentences with a preposition! --- Otherwise you will end up with a dangling participle!

[jetmechmarty]

Political jokes

I tend to stay away from political threads on this forum by choice. It is usually clear what they are and I choose not to get involved on this forum.

The political jokes here are not funny to everyone. This is not a conservative political forum. These joke can not be posted without being offensive to someone.

For the record, I am a political conservative, but I just thought I'd put my 2 cents in here. I have no interest in discussing it further. It is just something I want to point out. Some of my best friends are Liberals, and I love them, even if they don't believe what I believe.

Thanks for your consideration and feel free to tell me those jokes in a more private setting.

[Bigfoot]

I guess we need a new forum for jokes that not everyone will like.

[Elevener]

I tend to stay away from political threads on this forum by choice. It is usually clear what they are and I choose not to get involved on this forum.

The political jokes here are not funny to everyone. This is not a conservative political forum. These joke can not be posted without being offensive to someone.

For the record, I am a political conservative, but I just thought I'd put my 2 cents in here. I have no interest in discussing it further. It is just something I want to point out. Some of my best friends are Liberals, and I love them, even if they don't believe what I believe.

Thanks for your consideration and feel free to tell me those jokes in a more private setting.

Man, thats the unfunniest joke in here.

[Trainzz]

my take

I guess we need a new forum for jokes that not everyone will like.

nah harry, i don't think so. maybe what we need is for those who find an area offensive to them to stay the hell away from it and leave those who may enjoy it alone.

i know i don't have 40 zillion posts or been here since the inception of the internet, but i am tired of reading thread after thread where someone craps on those who enjoy the thread. try checking your guilt trips at the door and let us laff a little. i am rapidly approaching the f'm if they can't take a joke mode (appropriate for this thread ain't it)

[trbig]

Thanks for your consideration and feel free to tell me those jokes in a more private setting.

Naw.. you wouldn't find them funny there either. I just wonder though... where were you in the last couple years back when the jokes were about Bush?


Tod