J O T D

[ZombieRob]

confessions

an elderly married couple are celebrating their fiftieth anniversary, as a show of faith and devotion the female says to her husband "we've been through so much for so long that whatever may happen or has happened i forgive you for with that being said is there any thing you want to confess? i promise i won't get upset about it." the husband replies "once at the very beginning of our marriage i had an affair it was short and didn't mean anything" his wife says that's ok i forgive you. now i have something that i should confess too. before we were married i had a sex change operation." the husband winds up and punches her square in the jaw. the wife said " what the hell? i forgave you and this happened before we were married." he said "i know but i've been letting you tee off from the red tees all these years."

[XJOK2PLAY]

Speaking of elderly couples...

An older, married couple is travelling by car on vacation back in the 60's. The man's driving, sees he needs fuel, so he stops in at a gas station.
The attendant runs out to greet them and says "Fill 'er up sir?" His wife, (hard of hearing) says, "What'd he say?" The husband replies, "Awww, he just asked if we wanted him to fill it up". He tells him to go ahead. A minute later, the attendant asks, "Check the oil, sir?" Again, she says, "What'd he say?" The man, losing patience, says, "Awww, he just asked about the oil!" Go ahead, he tells the young attendant. After filling the oil, he notices their tire is low, and asks the man, "Check that tire for you, sir?" AGAIN, she says, "What'd he say?" The husband, getting very aggitated now, says " HE JUST WANTS TO CHECK THE TIRES!" "Yeah,go ahead."
Now, as the young man finishes airing the tire up, and is topping off the gas... as he puts the license plate back up, (yes, youngsters, that's where the gas caps used to be hidden on some...) he notices they were from Arkansas, according to their tag. As he's collecting the $ from the husband, the attendant tells the man that he couldn't help but notice they were from Arkansas, and that he used to date a gal from there. "Sorriest piece of $@^ I ever had"...
The elderly wife again says "What'd he say?" The husband replies angrily... "Shut up, he thinks he knows ya!"

[b.walker5]

What do you get when you combine PMS with a GPS.

On ornery female that will find you.

[planedick]

Hotel bill

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows', complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

[ZombieRob]

what do you get when you mix viagra and rogaine?



a hair raising experience

[xs11jack]

An American (from Chicago) was sitting with a Frenchman and an Englishman in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them.

They were initially given the death sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish to not be whipped!"

The Englishman thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain.

The Frenchman saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Frenchman stood up smiling.

The American saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh said: "As you are from America which is a much bigger country than France and England put together, you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The American thought for a second, then said: "Thank you most Royal and Merciful Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available."

"If you so desire," the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[xs11jack]

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it

[xs11jack]

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from the state of Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons In Kansas for a night.
Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.
The son said, “I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“Around $10.00 a pill,” answered the son.
“I don't care,” said Grandpa, “I'd still like to try one. We'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.”
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma.”

[xs11jack]

Viagra again

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast? Maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something; "A bowl of soup, home made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra.... I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[xs11jack]

The Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber, who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house."

[Varnae]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:
11. Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

[Geezer]

Anybody remember a joke about 3 catholic priests in Las Vegas that talk to a topless cashier? I remember the punch line but not all the rest of the joke and I'm hoping someone else knows it. The punch line is "when you die and go to heaven, I hope saint finger shakes his peter at you.)

Geezer

[orpheus]

Many years ago, three priests, one just out of the seminary, one in middle age, and one close to retirement, had to travel by train to Pittsburgh. They arrived at the station and the youngest of the three was assigned to purchase the tickets.

Naturally, the ticket agent was an extremely attractive and very busty young woman wearing a low-cut sweater and displaying plenty of cleavage. Just as naturally, the young priest lost his nerve and requested "three pickets to Tittsburgh, please." "I beg your pardon?" the young woman said, and realizing what he had said, he walked away from the counter, red as a beet.

He explained the situation to his two travel companions, and the middle aged priest agreed to handle the purchase. Just as quickly, he managed to come unglued and asked for "three pickets to Tittsburgh."

The oldest priest lost his patience when he heard that neither of the younger men could handle a simple assignment, and stormed up to the ticket counter and asked for "three tickets to Pittsburgh." At the end of the sale, he lectured the young woman, "Young lady, the way you're dressed is a disgrace. If you were to die today and appear in Heaven dressed like that, St. Finger would shake his Peter at you."

[orpheus]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker; “How much do you charge?”

“It starts at $500 for a hand-job,” replies the hooker.

“$500 dollars? For a hand-job?” says the guy “No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
So the hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

The guy thinks to himself, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” and accepts the hooker’s offer. They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

“$1,500″ says the hooker

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!” he says

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “OK Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pu$$y?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

“Nope,” says the hooker, “but I would if I had a pu$$y.”

[tw1980]

That last ones a little dirty for this forum.I know I didn't have to read it but I think this place has a little more class than most forums and this last joke kindda borders on filthy.IMHO Just letting you know because I see your a new member.