J O T D

[Wildkat]

Think this was psoted before... but here it is... (again?)

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
To the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a
Cinnamon bun.'

[planedick]

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was tr ying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.


5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...


4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella 's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.


3RD PLAC E:
Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...


2ND PLACE :
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE : ...May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. You can't fix stupid...and now it’s profitable!

[Special Ed]

A mid Atlantic flight was having problems that required jettisoning extraneous weight. After the luggage and cargo, the next obvious "things" were the passengers. On board were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican.
The stewardess addresses the passengers and sez: "We have a problem. We need to reduce our weight as much as possible or we all will die. We are asking for volunteers to reduce our weight.
The Englishman stood up and said "Hail Britannia!" and threw himself off the plane.
The Frenchman stood up and said "Viva la France!" and jumped out of the plane.
The Texan jumped up, said "remember the Alamo!" grabbed the Mexican and threw him off the plane!

P.S. In case there are any PC types out there, the joke is about Texans, not Mexicans. Just in case...

[trbig]

I don't care who ya are.. this is some funny ****! lol.

7 year old kid after dental surgery.. still drugged up.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs


Tod

[Cobia]

Urban Myths?

GOOD:-
In Richardson , Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:-
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:-
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, " Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Cobia]

The Vicar's Chicken

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?? Half the women stood up !
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[LoHo]

More nuns...

A pious young woman decided to join a religious order, and sought out the most devout one she could find. She finally chose Our Lady of Perpetual Silence, an order so strict that speaking was forbidden, except for being allowed two words every five years when being interviewed by the bishop.

The first five years finally passed, and the bishop was conducting the interviews. When the sister's turn arrived, she said, "Hard bed." The bishop thanked her and moved on.

Five years later, the bishop arrived again. This time the sister said, "Bad food." The bishop thanked her and continued the interviews.

Another five years pass. When the sister's turn came, she said simply, "No heat." The bishop just looked at her and waved her along.

After the passage of another five years, the sister elbowed her way to to front of the line and growled to the bishop, "I quit!"

He shouted back, "Well, good riddance then! With you it's been nothing but bitch, bitch, bitch for twenty years!"

[Rasputin]

Flavored Birth Control

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill:

The Cadbury's Candy Co. And Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains.
They're going to be called....


'Pre-dick-a-mints!'

[Special Ed]

Attention Wildcat & other wimmin

SWMBO brought this one home to me from one of her women’s groups.
A young mother went to her gynecologist one day for an appointment. As the Doctor began to examine her he smiled and said, “ oh, I see that you went to a little extra trouble to get clean today!” Not knowing what he meant, and being a bit shy, she didn’t ask and let the comment go.
Later that day at home her little girl came in from school and went straight to the bathroom. When her girl come out she asked “Mom, where is the wash rag?”
Mom replied, “Why it’s on the rack where it belongs.”
“But that’s not the one I used this morning, where is that one?”
“It’s in the dirty cloths hamper, honey. Why do you ask?”
“That one has my glitter on it,” replied the girl.
Mom never went back to that gynecologist again.
Special Ed

[planedick]

Banned from Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Sxxxxxxxx,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Sxxxxxxxx are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking..

2 .. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18 : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ..

15. October 23 : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[madbiker]

Stimulus expained

I don't know how you feel about the bail-out, but the medical community has
it well diagnosed.

Doctors' Opinions of Financial Bailout Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could
see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the
whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say, "No".

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to the *******s in
Washington.

[madbiker]

ndian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

[planedick]

Explanation of the economic stimulus bill

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill.
Can you explain it to me?" The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed. At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.
The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."
The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper. The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.
The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!" The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations.
You now understand the stimulus bill."

[Cobia]

'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[red bandit]

In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the
men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled
ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He
couldn't
resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the
warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his
bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The
last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN