J O T D

[BrianB]

Pregnant Lady

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[planedick]

little girl

A little girl's mom told her that if she didn't quit sucking her thumb that her belly would swell. One day they were on a bus when a lady got on board that was at least 8 months pregnant. As she walked past the little girl, she looked up at the lady and said, "I know what you've been doing".

[Luv Cookie]

Men and earrings ...


A man notices that his coworker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

So, he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the coworker replies peevishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


I always wondered how this trend got started, and
now I know.

[BrianB]

... found her husband in their bedroom ...

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom in an amorous situation with a very attractive young woman. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

The husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed.

‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed cloth es, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued - ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

[tmworks]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.
The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees
to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth
to the moon?'
The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a Hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air
phone;
he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Redneck
and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up
again and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

[Chuckster]

This biker has always had a dream of owning his own store. One day he decides to make this dream reality and goes about getting everything set up and in place. He has his location, his shelves are stocked and he is ready for the grand opening.

One thing is bothering him, however, he is still a little nervous about waiting on customers. So he goes next door to the hardware store and asks the owner, I think his name is Prom, for some advice. Prom says, "I'm an expert at this, you just watch and learn." A customer walks into the hardware store and Prom asks, "What can I do for you sir?" I need five pounds of grass seed, says the customer. "Coming right up" says Prom, and "Oh by the way sir, do you have a rake and hoe to put the seed in with? No, says the customer. "And do you have a sprinkler and hose to water the seed once it's down? No, says the customer. "And do you have a lawn mower to keep the grass cut once it comes up? No, says the customer, I'll need those things as well. Prom brings all these items to the counter and rings up a huge sale. Prom turns to the biker and says "See how it's done?" The biker says, "I got it, thanks a million!" and returns to his store eager to wait on his first customer.

A man walks into the store and up to the counter and the biker asks, "Yes sir, how can I help you?" I need a box of feminine napkins, says the customer. "Coming right up" says the biker and he runs into the back room. He returns with a box of Kotex, five pounds of grass seed, a rake, a hoe, sprinkler, hose and a lawn mower. The customer looks at the counter and says, "What the h*ll is all this, all I wanted was a box of Kotex?" "I know", says the biker, "but as long as your weekend is f@#%ed you might as well work on the lawn!"

[GNEPIG]

Bruce walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Bruce says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.

[Luv Cookie]

When I say I'm broke, I mean it!!!

An old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' With that, he emptied a bucket of horse Manure onto her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

[BrianB]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)


She said , "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark

[BrianB]

The Pig Farmer

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered "okay" and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.

The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again.

To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.

By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn".

[BrianB]

The Horth Withperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend voer to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth"

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Noth earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The reacher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midgets head as far as he can up the horses twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, supttering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should wephase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

[tmworks]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my sister."

[Luv Cookie]

Little Red Riding Hood....

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off,
I'm trying to poop!'

[Luv Cookie]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"


Then POOF!, she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'


Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SWING, DON'T SWING!!!!'

[planedick]

Tough old cowboy

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.