J O T D

[trbig]

Not trying to get into a political thing here for you Obama supporters....
==================================

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?"

Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."

=====================================

[BrianB]

Harley-Davidson:

Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower

Did you know 95% of all Harleys are still on the road?
The other 5% actually made it home.

What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley? Trade it in on a Suzuki.

Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the sidestands are down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home? The
Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you know you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money? You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.

What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would YOU be smiling?

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they're moving.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding in the canyons.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog? The
dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Why couldn't the Harley mechanic repair the doorknob?
Some things just can't be fixed with only a hammer and duct tape.

What's the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer
and one that's being ridden there? The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers? So they can go around corners faster!

Where can you find the world's largest collection of Harley jokes? On the showroom of the Harley mega-store in Milwaukee. (Alternate answer: At Sturgis)

You know you're a Harley rider if...

...you're unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.

...you confuse the word "character" with the more accurate term "engineering flaws".

..."water cooled" means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a wrecker.

How do you hide money from a Harley owner ?.....put in in the bathroom under the soap.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover sweeper ?.....the location of the dirtbag.

[Luv Cookie]

A Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well - when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!!'

[planedick]

Really hot

When I was younger I worked at a gas station. One hot summer day a woman came in on a Hardley. As I was pumping gas in it she was standing there and I said "Your motorcycle sure is hot". She said, "Boy if you were between my legs all day, you'd be hot too".

[SiP]

Anybody used to watch LA Law?
There was a cool scene where one of the (impossibly good looking and suave) lawyers was riding out of the parking garage on a new bike, and the female lawyer (Susan Dey - funny I can remember her name ) who happens to be his ex says: "Wow I don't think I've ever seen anything so big and hard between your legs" to which he replies "Well I've never had anything so responsive underneath me". Nice reposte!

[randy]

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'

[Luv Cookie]

Little Johnny Strikes Again

Randy, That's freakin' funny

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.


The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.


Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'


The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'


Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'


The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.


Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'


Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'


With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,


'That would make me an Obama fan.'

[jetmechmarty]

Be careful what you pray for

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building
to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign
to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed
right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it
burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the
bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect
actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any
connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At
the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but
as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the
power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

[randy]

So true it hurts.......

This one rings so true, it hurts to laugh at it:

FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!

Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident
and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your
assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from
U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill
which was recently passed by the Senate and for which
you voted. If my understanding of this bill's
provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has
been in the United States for five years, all I need
to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and
income taxes for three of the last five years. I know
a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally
have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about
the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return
for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an
excellent result for me and my family because we paid
heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Addit ionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using
the local emergency room as my primary health care
provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save
almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be
that my daughter would receive preferential treatment
relative to her law school applications, as well as
"in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout
the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve
me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and
making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This
is very important to me given that I still have college age

children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process
to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and
copies of the necessary forms, I would be most
appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue
Service 1-800-289-1040.

[trbig]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle (Since it had 50k miles on it and was wore out)when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.

'Try doing it with the engine running.'

[planedick]

Nobel peice prize

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets all over the place with bells-a-ringing. The pullets, upon hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...
the bells are not always audible!

[Luv Cookie]

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Luv Cookie]

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.

"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little b@stards!"

[Luv Cookie]

Not so much a side splitter but kind of one to make you smile....if you have kids, you can relate.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Luv Cookie]

A nice story - it will make you appreciate family. Please pass this along.

My grandmother died in the last decade, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished feeding the birds collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft Scottish voice.

'Makes your d!ck look bigger.'

Hummnnnn .....
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?