J O T D

[planedick]

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

[Stralya]

You're gunna pay for that..

But in the interest of male solidarity..

Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and smell bad.

Dan
Second against the wall when the revolution comes.

[Wildkat]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

[trbig]

If it's a slim sexy bulb, there will be bragging. But if it's a big honkin' ugly bulb... it will indeed get screwed, but like riding a moped (Or Vespa), no bragging will be done!



Tod

[fredintoon]

Not a joke, a follow-on.

Tod sez:- " but like riding a moped (Or a Vespa), no bragging will be done!"
Hi Tod,
see if you can google up "The long journey of Choon Ghose" who rode a 125cc Vespa from India to England.

[Stralya]

Some people will do anything to escape the Third World!

[Luv Cookie]

Okay, not one of the best but still kind of funny anyways.....

Golf Balls ...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: "Its golf balls".


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.


After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Luv Cookie]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's @ss and say, 'How about a blow***?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[Cobia]

All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

[Cobia]

The Love Story Of Ralph And Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

[Luv Cookie]

The Ugly Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. Buy ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'

So the old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

The prince then returned the old lady's kiss.


Suddenly, the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss.

Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?


COME ON GUESS!





She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find!!!


She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!!

OLD LADIES ROCK!!!!

[planedick]

Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

[DJinNH]

Oops!



Don

[Rasputin]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer

and watching the wife mow the lawn.

The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came

over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'

I took a drink from my can of Pilsner, wiped the cold foam from my

lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban aviators and stared directly into

the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'

[Luv Cookie]

'You should be hung!'
'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'

For those not as fortunate and the women who love them....

"UNDERWEAR DUST"

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'MiracleGrow'

(this might be a duplicate and if it is....sorry!