J O T D

[Jerry]

State Trooper new clip

[tmworks]

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really
big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.



'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!
The woman chose to ignore her husbands comment

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little
frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

'What's wrong?' he asks.
She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
big-ass grill for one little weenie?

[BrianB]

Marriage Problems

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[BrianB]

hit the lotto

Smedly buys a Mega Millions ticket and discovers he has won $50,000,000!!

He rushes home. Jumping up and down excitedly he tells his wife," pack your bags Mildred, I hit the lotto for $50,000,000!"

She is overwhelmed and asks, "should I pack for warm or cold"?

He replies," I don't give a rip, just get out"!

[Luv Cookie]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

[planedick]

The ride

In the wild west a woman had to get to town so she started walking. An indian came along and offered her a ride so she excepted. She was observed coming into town riding behind the indian side saddle. Someone asked her how she managed to stay on the horse and she said she just reached around him and held onto the saddle horn. Then she was reminded that indians don't use saddles.

[Luv Cookie]

A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stops at a farm and begins talking with the old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I'm here to inspect your farm.'

The old farmer says, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'

The Agriculture representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!'

The farmer nods politely and goes back to his chores. Later, the farmer hears loud screams and sees the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind is the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull is gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified and clearly not going to make it to the safety of the fence. The old farmer slowly lays down his tools, walks over to the fence and shouts out.....

'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'

[Luv Cookie]

True Love or What??

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

[Luv Cookie]

Good Gas Mileage??

WALKING AND BEER:

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American don't it?

[Stralya]

We Australians never touch the stuff...



WW1 V.B = Victoria Bitter

[BrianB]

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

We need to start putting the bathrooms closer to the Beer Taps.

[BrianB]

I'll Drink To That!!!

[Stralya]

QUICK!

Gimmie a beer......

[BrianB]

Robot Lie Detector

John was a sucker when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife
Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with
another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from
school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of
his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once
more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really
watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of
his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that
one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times

[SiP]

THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed

a passionate girl with a zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an

emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally

predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed

from one thing to > > another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous

things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and

very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the

ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took

everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.