J O T D

[Stralya]

Yep, it was. but a good joke is worth seeing twice.

[planedick]

Vaseline

The Vaseline Co. was conducting a survey to find the most unusual use for their product. While interviewing one lady, she stated that she used Vaseline in sex. The interviewer asked if she put it on herself and the lady said “No”. The interviewer asked if it was applied to her husband and the lady said “No”. The interviewer was afraid to speculate anymore so he said, “How do you use it for sex then?” The lady said, “I put it on the bedroom doorknob, it keeps the kids out.”

[GNEPIG]

Results of a recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway, you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

[red bandit]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to
go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She
managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the right feet.

He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't
you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him
pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots
off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, '....Now, where are your mittens ?
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[Luv Cookie]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.


The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'


The plane took off , and once it has levelled out, the agent said,

'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

[fredintoon]

Three Brazilian soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. All the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[planedick]

Clocks in heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front

of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall

of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those

clocks?"


St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone

on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands

on your clock will move."




"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"




"That's Billy Graham's. The hands have never moved,

indicating that he never told a lie."



"Incredible," said the man, "And whose clock is that one?"



St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told

only two lies in his entire life."


"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.


"Hillary's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a

ceiling fan."

[STEPPENWOLF]

My cat Amtrak can't read but I have been telling him the jokes I been reading on here and he laughed his whiskers off at some of them:-)

[Luv Cookie]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take extra time to ensure great hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the
table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called
out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor.... Ever.

[BrianB]

Thats great!!! LMAO!!!

[planedick]

Need donations

I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of Hillary R. Clinton . We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame.

We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where hehad been, and did it all on somebody else's money.

Thank you,

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far

[Luv Cookie]

Little Johnny

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question -

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee. The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

'What about you Peter, how would you say it?'

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your best manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted!

[Pat Kelly]

Ya know why they can't solve redneck murders?



All the DNA is the same and there's no dental records.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Little Jonny had a new teacher. The new teacher though she would use what she learned in her psycology class so she asked that "Any student that thinks they're stupid, please stand up".
After a minute Little Jonny stood up. The teacher aske why he thought he was stupid. Little Jonny replied "I just felt bad that you were the only one standing, teacher".

[fredintoon]

A tale of the Legion

Fort Zinderneuf gets a new officer, straight from St Cyr. After some weeks under the hot sun in the Sahara he feels the need for female company and asks the Sargent " Where does one find a woman around here? " The Sargent says " the boys all clubbed together and bought a young female racing camel for which there is of course, a small user fee to cover her feed, water, stabling, vet fees etc." The officer says, "Say no more Sarge, I ain't that desperate." Some weeks later he realizes that he is that desperate and rents the camel. He has just backed the camel up to a sand dune and unzipped when the Sargent discretely coughs and says, "Excuse me Sir, use her just as you've a mind to, but the boys usually ride her down to the brothel in the village."

[tmworks]

christmas

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
Number 2 guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' .. and she said ... 'Take a sweater. '