J O T D

[tmworks]

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.


3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'


5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.


6. In the Memo field ff all Your Checks, write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'


7. Finish all your sentences with 'In Accordance With the Prophecy.'


8. Don't use any punctuation


9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.


10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.


11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'


12. Sing Along At The Opera.


13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?


14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.


15. Five Days In Advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mo od.


16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.


17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'


18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the Parking lot, yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'


19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To the Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'

[Jerry]

Not actually a joke, but funny never the less:

Disorder In The Court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myas thenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I for get.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give u s an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, t he twenty-one-year-old, how o ld is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t 'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your response s MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[BrianB]

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his
life in a nursing Home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace,
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace,

please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said,
"You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your
pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace ,
"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?"





"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[BrianB]

Double post. Sorry

[Luv Cookie]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the Universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her Class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is Our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,' Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

[HobbyMan]

My Dad heard this on the radio the other day.

According to recent news reports, both Obama and Hillary have been claiming to be the underdog in the presidential campaign.
The thing is, only Hillary has the looks to back it up

[cajun31]

Newspaper

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”
“A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know, I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.” Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”

After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing, I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke his neck, cracked it’s eggs, and set it’s nest on fire.”

[Luv Cookie]

Only a person in Florida could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Punta Gorda , Florida after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night),flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, ''I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sheriff's office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[STEPPENWOLF]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbo...n_version5.swf


Are we getting older?:-)

[Erik the Red]

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: "Keep the tip."

[hamjam]

It's winter here in Canada..
And the gentle breezes blow..
Seventy miles an hour..
At twenty-nine below.

Oh, how I love Canada..
When the snow's up to your butt..
You take a breath of winter..
And you nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful..
So I guess I'll hang around..
I could never leave Canada..
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!

[GNEPIG]

Sweet Little Old Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -- how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and have my way with you?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[exquized1]

ok that was a good one!

Here's one I just heard!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no
come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and
I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[GNEPIG]

FREE BEER!!!!

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[GNEPIG]

The egg

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I have too much to live for. Send me back!?' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside... Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' said the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout -

'For God's sake, Ralph! Wake up!! You're POOPIN' in the bed!!'