J O T D

[tmworks]

vaseline

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at
her feet.

I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.

"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it
for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far,
can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it
on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

[planedick]

Vaseline

That was my joke, page two.....

[tmworks]

ops, sorry

[Da-Bubble]

Wise Old Bird

An old rooster is standing proudly on the porch of his hen house protecting his hens when the farmer brings home a new young rooster. The young cocky rooster struts over and says "move out of the way old man, this is my turf now".

The old rooster says, "well I am getting old but I'm not giving up my hens that easy. I challenge you to a contest."

The young rooster excitedly replies, "You name it. I can beat you at anything."

The old rooster says, "Ok, I challenge you to a race around the hen house. One lap and you have to give me a 5 second head start."

The young rooster so confident says, "old-timer, I'll give you a 10 second head start. There's no way you're beating me."

So they agree and the race begins. The old rooster takes off around the first corner....the young rooster has counted to 5. By the second corner the young rooster's count reaches 10 and he takes off like a flash! The old rooster rounds the third corner with the young pup gaining fast. As they approach the fourth and final turn the young rooster is right on his tail. They round the corner neck and neck when all of a sudden the old famer sitting on the front porch, grabs his shot-gun from his lap and blasts the young rooster into smithereens! The old farmer sits back down frustrated and says, "Dammit, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

[BrianB]

Thats great!!! LMAO!!!

[mro]

Rooster

good one


mro

[GNEPIG]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

.. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[GNEPIG]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

oops!...

[Erik the Red]

for you music lovers...

Q: What did the two drums and the cymbal say when they went over the cliff?

A: (gotta say it in a sound effect manner) Ba-Dum Ch.

[GNEPIG]

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub w/ a tailgate feeder. The buck was magnificent...a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge....the hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481. The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."


The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."

[Da-Bubble]

That's awful....I love it!

[fredintoon]

Yeah,
awful indeed. Anyone married to a hunter for 37 years would have looked down from heaven and told him to take the shot.

[Stralya]

GNEPIG WINS!

That was a pisser.....I dip me lid mate

[BrianB]

Bishop And The A$$

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S A$$ SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S A$$ OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S A$$. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

[JWSanders]

Originally posted by GNEPIG
A hunter and his friend ........

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA...ohhh, that was great. Many friends will be getting that one!