J O T D

[b.walker5]

They bent me at the waist on a funny angled table (with my pants around my ankles), tipped the table so my a** was pointing nearly straight up, then used what I can only describe as what appeared to be a extra-large, stainless-steel automatic transmission filler funnel. The Drs' only comment was 'you may feel some discomfort...'. A master of understatement...

BTDT both ways. Only thing I can say is "Progress is a GREAT thing.

[planedick]

Skinny dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[planedick]

Helpful Texan

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim
extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay
afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat
because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland
Security.

It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

[cywelchjr]

I beat a Harley

"I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of a canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of britiron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle..."

[planedick]

First....

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game. Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"
So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

[planedick]

Ten commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

[slow mo]

life,s rules

LIFE'S RULES

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan
to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

> 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

cheers
Slow Mo!

[slow mo]

why she changed hotels

on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely and booked a hotel.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really
want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[slow mo]

Senior texting code

Seems that more and more "older people" are texting and tweeting, and there
appears to be a need for an STC (Senior Texting Code) that we can all use
and understand. (Hmmmmmmm, I wonder which ones I'll use the most.?)

* ATD: At The Doctor's

* BFF: Best Friend Flatulated

* BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

* BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM: Covered By Medicare

* CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

* DWI: Driving While Incontinent

* FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

* FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

* FYI: Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

* GHA: Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL: Living On Lipitor

* LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

* OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

* ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

* SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

* TTYL: Talk To You Louder

* WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

* WTP: Where's The Prunes?

* WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

_________________

[slow mo]

mens rules

at the risk of offending every woman

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

_________________

[je2wheeler]

Little Johnny's worms

Little Johnny’s grandparents gave him a chemistry set for his birthday. Little Johnny began to mix all the chemicals together. Soon he had a bowl of goop. Just out of curiosity, Little Johnny went to the back yard and dug up some earthworms. He dipped one worm into the goop and placed it on his table. Sprang! The worm went from being curled up to very striate, four times longer and very hard. Just at that time, Little Johnny‘s grandfather walked by. “Whacha doing Johnny?” “Whatch this Grandfather.” Said Little Johnny as he dipped another worm in the goop. Sprang! “Whacha going to do with that goop Johnny?” asked Grandfather. “Trade it for a little red sports car, Grandfather.” Said Little Johnny. “I’ll give ya a little red sports car for that goop Johnny.” “Okay Grandfather.” And Grandfather snatched it up and was gone!
Two days later, Little Johnny asked his grandfather about his little red sports car. “Oh, it is out behind the barn and all yours Johnny.” said Grandfather. Little Johnny tore out of the house and as he slid around the barn, he ran slap into a big, long, black, shinny Cadillac. Little Johnny was hugely disappointed as he walked back to the house with his head hung low and kicking at the ground. As Little Johnny walked into the house, Grandfather asked “What’s wrong Johnny?” Little Johnny said, “Grandfather, there ain’t nothing out there but a big, long, black, shinny Cadillac.” “No Johnny, the little red sports car is on the other side of the Cadillac. The Cadillac is from your grandmother.”

[je2wheeler]

Poof!

A man was walking on the beach near San Diego deep in thought when he stumbled over an old brass oil lamp in the sand. He picked it up and brushed some sand from it - “Poof!” a genii appeared.
“For freeing me from my thousand year prison, I will grant you any one wish. There is nothing beyond my power. Now what is your wish!?”
The man looked out over the braking waves and said,” I have all my life wanted to visit Hawaii but I get deathly sea sick and I have a morbid fear of flying. Genie, I wish for you to build for me a bridge so that I may drive to Hawaii.”
The genie was aghast. “Do you realize that there is not enough steel available to even reach half hay to Hawaii! There is not even close to the concert reserves in the entire world to even think of a foundation of such a bridge. On my knees I plead you to make another wish!”
The man thinks and says, “Sure, sure genie, I have all my life loved every woman in my life but they all tell me that I can never understand them and all have left me. Genie, for my wish I ask that I may understand women.”
The genie looks defeated as he asks the man, “How many lanes do you want on that bridge?”

[je2wheeler]

An actual Craig's List ad

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST AD
To the guy who tried to mug me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2019-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when it is pointed at your head… isn’t it!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I threw your wallet into the big pink ”pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb…. After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.)
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you… but I feel this type of retribution is far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex

[slow mo]

Us recession

THE U.S. RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[planedick]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "
First Place!," said Snow White.


They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.