J O T D

[slow mo]

jotd

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

[TopCatGr58]

Hey Slow Mo,

Did you mean to create NEW THREADS with these posts, or did you want to post them as REPLIES to the established JOTD thread?? I merged them here, and can merge them to the Original Thread if that's what you intended when you hit the NEW THREAD button instead of REPLY!?

That one has gotten rather LARGE, and so I can see creating a new one to provide continuation....I don't know if folks have been reading the old one completely before posting their jokes, so I don't know if there are any or many duplicates in that thread.

So...with a new thread, there's a chance that duplicates that are in the old one may get posted here as new folks join, participate, but might not know or see or read the old one first!?

T.C.

[latexeses]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed
limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was
born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored
being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away
my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
He didn't get the ticket...

[slow mo]

hi TC

i,m just trying to pass on some laughs and not really sure of where to post them ,,any help you can give is wanted ,,thanks ,,ride safe slow mo!

[MaximPhil]

Jotd

Hi TC,
Thanks for loking after us. I vote for continuing the Original JOTD thread.
The occasional duplication is inevitable and i usually laugh at them again anyway I am easly amused
Phil

[barberad]

I Originally put this on the "other" joke thread.
D

This guy makes videos for MTV. Doctor visit is hilarious. And all my DEM friends really think the republican test is real.

http://natebloch.com/thedoctorvisit.html

http://natebloch.com/republicantest.html

[tinman905]

Born this way!!

[BigDick]

Race with a Harley

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to
PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting
sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and
where most of the bends have warning signs that say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was
one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got
by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to
pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came
out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost
too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until
the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was
by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he
struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens
out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him
in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he
passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match
for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of
road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep
pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to
the bottom of the mountain and I had preserved the proud tradition of
one of the best bits of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so
hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as
well. They really make a great bicycle...
(Unknown author)

[BigDick]

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began
to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the
keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping
he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued
the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his c0(k and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like
a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."

[crazy steve]

Yeah, I've heard that joke, but it was a mouse, an elephant, and a Corvette...

'78E original owner

[fredintoon]

Yeah, I've heard that joke, but it was a mouse, an elephant, and a Corvette...

Hi Steve,
there's no such thing as a new joke, just old ones that have been updated.
Most likely the original featured a rat, a camel and a chariot.

[Rasputin]

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[fabfabinc]

How do you circumcise a red neck ?

Kick his sister in the chin !!!!!!!!!! lololol

[planedick]

72 virgins

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, the death Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said"....."You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

[bikerphil]

for you golfers

....and beer drinkers....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwU8n4AOQl0