J O T D

[tmworks]

Possibly the very best chicken joke ever

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning againstthe headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.


The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question

[Trainzz]

Good/Bad News

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

[DGXSER]

Party attire

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[cueball]

Q. What killed Patrick Swayze.
A. It was the oysters that did it.
The Oysters Kilpatrick

[CatatonicBug]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."

[Incubus]

Wow, a Mary Poppins joke. Aren't we a bunch of rough, tough hoodlum bikers....

[cueball]

Put the Christmas tree up last night. Found a present the kids missed from last year. Should have seen their faces when they unwrapped it............ Poor kitten

[barberad]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types

used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle,

telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'..

They stopped that Sh_t after I started doing the same thing

to them at funerals.

[red bandit]

A young guy from Michigan moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Michigan .

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, ‘$101,237.65.'

The boss says, ‘$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive

department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

****************************

The Lexington, Kentucky, Police Department reports finding a
man's body in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry
Bridge.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been
notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink
g-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.

Kentucky Police do care.

***********************


A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.


The guy, just plain wide-eyed said, 'You're bull****tin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well you started it.'

[Cobia]

Walk naked in america day

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a
sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He
must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time,
all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely
naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block
for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All
patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think
its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support
for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a
cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Mus
lim
sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist
activity.
God bless America !
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at
least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward
and are in the position of posing as a national threat.

[cueball]

An Irishman is cleaning his gun and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 911.
Irishman "It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her!"
Operator "Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is really dead"
*click* *BANG*
Irishman "Okay, done that, what next?"

[Wildkat]

Men's Restroom Mural



Edge Designs is an all-women run company

That designs interior office space. They had a

Recent opportunity to do an office project in

NYC.



The client allowed the women of this

Company a free hand in all design aspects.

The client was a company that was also

Run by all women execs...............



The result ..........well.....We all know that

Men never talk, never look at each other....

And never laugh much in the restroom....

The men's room is a serious and quiet place...

But now...with the addition of one mural

On the wall...... let's just say the men's

Restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.

[randy]

And that must be thier idea of a unisex urinal

[planedick]

A guy from Cleveland dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is baffled as the guy from Cleveland is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The guy from Cleveland , with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Cleveland . Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Cleveland . Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind.. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Cleveland is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow
full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The guy from Cleveland replies, "This is great! Just like April in Cleveland . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring
planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Cleveland suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Cleveland unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again shocked at what he sees. The guy from Cleveland is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil..

Jumping up and down, the guy from Cleveland throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the BROWNS won the Super Bowl."

[b.walker5]

Drinking with Jesus

Three men in a bar kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.


They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.


Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'


Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'


Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.


When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.


The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp