J O T D

[EZMoney]

SUBJECT: SOME THOUGHTS....

Give a man food and he can eat for a day.
Give a man a job and he can only eat for 30 minutes on a lunch break.

If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?

Hemorrhoids: The Grapes of Wrath.
Hangover: The Wrath of Grapes.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Nostalgia makes me long for the good old days ...

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing!

Plagiarism saves time.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.
They did it by killing all those who disagreed with them.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to
experience it.

Did you know that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig's disease?
What are the odds of that?

[tmworks]

I'm so broke my reality check bounced !!!!

[crazypainter]

My credit is sooo bad, places won't even take my cash.

[randy]

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

I'm so ugly, my father carries a picture in his wallet - it came with the wallet!

The first time I had sex, it was frightening - I was alone!

My doctor told me I was sick. I asked him for a second opinion. He said OK, you're ugly too!





I miss Rodney.

[randy]

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens!

When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..but he pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I went to a Freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."

On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me.

Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips... yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!

For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!

This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him... "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That's why we give you 21 days."

Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days... just nights.

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.

Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

[Guy_b_g]

Was watching the Colbert Report:

He mentioned a "fake Ferrari ring" that just got busted selling Fieros with ferrari body kits.

He had this piece of advice for prospevtive buyers:

"take your pocket knife out and scrape off some of the paint right behind the hood ornament, if it's a real Ferrari....SOMEONE WILL KICK YOUR ASS!!"

I thought that was pretty good advice.

[planedick]

H C in school

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Billy"
"And what is your question, Billy?" "I have three questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Billy?"

[fredintoon]

Three Bazilian soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld was briefing the President.
He told Mr Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had just been killed in Iraq.
Mr Bush's face lost all color, he held his head in his hands and collapsed across his desk, weeping. Then he composed himself, looked up and asked Rumsfeld,
"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[fredintoon]

Effin' typo

Of course that's not "Bazilian" but "Brazilian" As in citizens of the South American country. Just another nasty dictatorship but not worth invading because they don't have any oil wells.

[lakecountrydave]

Oil

Actual, Brazil has lots of oil. We just have not gotten around to invading them yet

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americ....ap/index.html

[lakecountrydave]

Opps!

Opps! I almost forgot, Brazil is alo a democracy. Sorry about that.

http://www.v-brazil.com/government/

Dave

[fredintoon]

Screwup on top of typo

Hi Dave,
seems I accidentally started a new string instead of correcting my spelling on the JOTD string. Added to that, my obsolete information about Brazil's oil supply. Last I heard they were mass converting sugar cane biomass into ethanol because they lacked oil of their own. As for Brazil being a democracy, so was Nazi Germany. Unless you were a Jew or a Gypsy or a homosexual or even a Jehovah's Witness.
All Brazil has is Native Indians & street kids.

[GNEPIG]

BEST 'HEADACHE' JOKE EVER!!!!!


A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[wa407mpp]

fredintoon

You need to brush up on your current affairs Brazil recently discovered a new oil field, reported to be one of the largest in the world, and their ethanol production has made them independent from having to import oil, if only we were so lucky. Also they are a democracy, you can be a democracy with only one party, as long as you let the people vote.

[fredintoon]

Hi wa,
yes indeed, look at the 3rd post back to see an explanation.