Hi Marty,
Scotch is a drink and a Scott is a motorcycle.
But when a Scot says he's pissed he means he's drunk.
When he's angry he's pissed off.
-
Hey! I'm Scots Irish.......that kinda pisses me off Marty.
Don't MAKE me go to the next level.
Leave a comment:
-
-
ISIS crisis
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.Leave a comment:
-
The Texas quote of the day comes from old-time Texas humorist Boyce House:
"Texas occupies all of the North American continent except for the small part set aside for Canada, Mexico and the 47 less fortunate states.
Texans are so proud of their state that they can’t sleep at night and if you could examine the head of a Texan, you’d find a map of the Lone Star state printed thereon.
The chief pursuit of Texans used to be Indians. This was way back in the days when the state was so wild that not even the law of gravitation was obeyed. In fact, the Texas legislature had not enacted the law of gravitation at that time.
Texas owns the north bank of the Rio Grande, the only river in the world navigable for pedestrians.
Texas is so huge that if you used the northern line of the Panhandle for a hinge, you’d flop Brownsville so close to the Arctic Circle that the hot tamale peddlers could swap their wares with the Eskimos for polar bear steaks.
In fact, Texas is so titanic that it is bounded on the north by the Aurora Borealis, on the south by the invisible lines of the equinox, on the east by primeval chaos and on the west by the Judgment Day,
If all the bales of cotton produced in Texas in one season were made into a single stack, you’d have a stairway reaching to the pearly gates.
If all the hogs in Texas could be made into one hog, he could dig the Panama canal at a single root of his mighty snoot.
And if all the steers in Texas were made into one steer, he could stand with his front foot in the Gulf of Mexico, one hind leg in Lake Michigan and the other in Hudson’s bay and, with his tail, brush the Northern Lights out of the Alaskan skies. "
----- Boyce House, 1945, as reported by the Port Arthur News after Mr. House went to Port Arthur for a couple of speechesLeave a comment:
-
SPEAKING GERMAN IN TEXAS
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond. The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water, the cows have **** in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
JohnLeave a comment:
-
On craigslist
to the guy doing my wife
To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.
1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.
2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.
3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.
4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son belives if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot?
5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).
6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentaly challenged.
7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.
8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.
9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.
10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.
Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only orded one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.
P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.
Thanks This was not writen by anyone named Jack S.
• Location: omaha
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsLeave a comment:
-
a trucker
Very funny John.Reminds me of this one.
A trucker stops at a café in San Francisco for lunch and there are a couple of queers nearby that keep Squeeking out little farts and are giggling about it.
This goes on for quite a while until the the trucker can no longer take it ..so it lets loose a monster fart that shakes the rafters and the queers start giggling again and the trucker asks what's so funny?one of the queers responds...
A virgin eh?Leave a comment:
-
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
JohnLeave a comment:
-
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .. but they kind of taste like peppermint.Leave a comment:
-
SERIOUS WARNING - BEWARE BUYING ON eBay
WARNING ABOUT eBAY
Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent $95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."Leave a comment:
-
Texas Attitude
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means, abilities and intends to take action)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo .."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''
She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! --- You just go ahead and jump .. . . you little Yankee Democrat --- you’re holding up traffic.”Leave a comment:
Leave a comment: