wife humor

[Mortman22]

How do you turn your dish washer into a snowblower?

Hand her a shovel.


Why dont women need watches?

There's a clock on the stove.

[mro]

Well,............ since this thread is still alive

Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.



mro

[jetmechmarty]

THE HANGOVER

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office
Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He notices a note
on the table that reads......................

"Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love
you, Jill"

He stumbles to the kitchen, and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son... what happened last night?"

Jack's son answers, "Well, you came home about 3 a.m. drunk and out of
your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you ran into the door!"

Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I
have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me."

His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off, you screamed, "'Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!'"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot breakfast - $4.20
Red rose bud - $3.00
Two aspirins - $0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time - Priceless

[mro]

Saying the right thing at the right time - Priceless

I'll drink to that!



mro

[jetmechmarty]

Dear Abby

Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby are printed....

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I
once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

[randy]

A man's got to have his priorities straight!

Used to fight a lot with the wife, our last row was about the bike. Dumped her, kept the bike. That was in '91

She was an 81 SH.

[hamjam]

best blond joke ever

Possibly The best blonde joke ever
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as
a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the
door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint
leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for
the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

[Radiation]

That's just WRONG!

I wear the pants in my house. Its just that the zipper is on the side.(You old timers should get this one!)

[oseaghdha]

A wise man once told me, "If it floats, flys, or f___s; rent don't buy."
Well, I don't have a boat or a plane, two outta three ain't bad.

[MikeFromMT]

You know what the first thing my wife did when she got out of the battered womens shelter? The damn dishes like I told her the first time...

...take my wife, please.


Why do brides have such big smiles, because they know they'll never have to give another blow job again.

[GNEPIG]

.. how men ruin romance..

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1210632752391041706&q=hahn

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6772536668052871982&q=hahn

[mro]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a device...a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... .......if you explain the kids."



mro

[pggg]

An eskimo leaves the wife and mother-in-law in the igloo and goes off seal hunting.

After 6 months he returns and walks back into the igloo.

The wife says "I've got terrible news - my mother was eaten by a polar bear"

The eskimo grabs a frozen fish and beats the wife unconscious.

The wife eventually regains consciousness and sobs - "What was that for?"

The eskimo says - "I've told you before woman, never make me laugh when my lips are chapped"

[Special Ed]

Possibly The best blonde joke ever?

One day a girl runs into the house after school yelling "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! All the other kids in third grade could only do their "times tables" up to eight, and I could do mine all the way up to 10! Is it because I'm a blond Mommy?" Her mom humors her with "sure honey, it's because you're a blond."

Next day girl runs in: "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today I was the only kid in third grade who could recite the whole alphabet perfectly! Is it because I'm a blond Mommy? Is it because I'm a blond? Her mom humors her again: "Sure honey, it's because you're a blond."

Next day, same scene. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today we girls were checking each other out in gym class, and guess what! All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 38 D! Is it because I'm a blond Mommy?" Mom replies: "No dear, it's because you're 16 years old!"