Spring Joke Thread.

[BLUEJEEPLAB]

Since we are into some odd stuff here...

My mother had to catch the bus downtown when I was a baby. She got on and as she dug in her purse for the change for fare, the bus driver caught sight of me and said "Man, that is the ugliest baby I ever saw!"

Mom paid the fare and left the rude man without comment. But she was so upset that as she sat down, she burst into tears. A man next to her asked what the problem was.

"That man is so insulting." she sobbed as she pointed at the driver. " He was just so awfully rude!"

The man was indignant, "He is a public servant, he can't be that way to people. You need to get up there and tell him off. Here, I'll hold your monkey..."

[Bauer]

Heres a couple more.....

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription
-------------------------------------------
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
--------------------------------------------
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the
fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The
officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have
a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on
his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids
used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard,
and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and
finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back
to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got
my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS,
with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I
was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving
me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I
am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[planedick]

Dirty Dishes...

Dirty Dishes


There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[Jerry]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first." Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read
to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and very deliberately and painfully says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[mro]

Nuns better

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"

And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"

The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 65. The highway number is Interstate 21."

Then the police officer looks at the passenger and see's the other nun shaking like a leaf. "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"

"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

[dpotter58]

Smart Pig

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A traveling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him.

"Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?" asked the salesman.

"Well sonny , I'll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did."

"Wow, that's really amazing," said the salesman, "but I still don't know why the pig only has one leg."

"Well I'll tell ya," said the farmer. "One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!"

"Well that's really great but why does the pig only have one leg?"

"Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at once!"
__________________

[SG-Olli]

A priest and a welsh shepherd were contestants in a TV quiz show.
The priest won the first round, the shepherd the second and third.
The fourth was again the priest.
The TV host said:
OK guys this is the last chance. Who wins this one gets it all.
Your task: Make a limerick with "Timbuktu"!
After a while the priest started:

I was a father all my life.
Had no children, had no wife.
I read the bible thru and thru
on my way to Timbuktu.

The shepherds response:

Tim and I to Brisbane went.
We met three ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two.
So I booked one, but Tim booked two!

[dpotter58]

Nagging Wife

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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[fredintoon]

Enmity

Two equally smart young men attend the same school and as sometimes happens,
they hate one another.
As time passes, one joins the Royal Navy and becomes the First Sea Lord while the other takes up holy orders in the Church of England and becomes the Archbishop of Canturbury.
It so happens that the Admiral in full dress uniform is at St. Panceas station to meet a foreign dignitary while the Archbishop in full cape & mitre gets off the train.
These men have not seen each other for thirty years but the recognition and mutual hatred flare up instantly.
"I say, porter" says the Archbishop,
"will you collect my luggage?"
"Certainty Madam."

Fred Hill, S'toon.