Spring Joke Thread.

[Bauer]

Hey all, lets get this one goin... Ill start.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' And I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[simplyd1]

Spring Joke

YA GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Jerry]

A blonde was driving her red sports car at an excessive rate of speed, and was pulled over by a patrol officer, who also happened to be a blonde female.
The officer walked up to the sports car and asked the driver for her license.
The driver started going through her purse, getting more and more aggitated.
"What does it look like?" she asks the officer.
"Its square and has your picture on it." replied the officer.
The blonde driver finally finds a compact miror in her purse, holds it up for a moment, then hands it to the officer.
The officer looks at it, hands it back to the driver, and says:
"You can go now. I didn't realize you were a cop!"

[dpotter58]

Management lesson

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Management lesson..................



Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.



Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.



So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......



She said "The bastard used coins"



Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[trbig]

When Ralph first noticed that his manhood was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his manhood had grown to nearly twenty inches.Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

===========================================

For some reason SWMBO thought this was funnier than I did...

Tod

[DiverRay]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read
to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and very deliberately and painfully says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[BLUEJEEPLAB]

I was out late last night with the boys and when I came home, all lit up, SWMBO was there waiting by the door. She drug me to the window, pulled back the curtain and showed me the lights of the Miller Brewery up on the hill. "See," she said "They are making faster than you can drink it!!!!"
"Yeah," I said, "But at least I got 'em workin' the third shift to keep up!"

[mro]

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started.



mro

[Trikerneil]

Wedding test.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.


I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:




Always keep your condoms in your car........

[fredintoon]

A cultural anthropologist goes deep into the north woods seeking out a tribe unsullied by modern civilisation to learn their ancient ways.
Finally he meets an ancient Shaman and asks him,
"Please teach me of your ancient ways"
"We believe that all things come in fours, so you must perform
four tasks to prove yourself worthy. Your first task shall be to
sit on this log and fast for a day to cleanse your mind then follow this path to our village where the elders will tell you of the other three tasks".
Shaman rushes back to the village and yells
"Hide the sattellite uplink dish & the ATVs, everybody change out of their jeans and put on their traditional robes, we got another anthropologist coming!"
Next day the anthropologist comes into the village and the Shaman tells him,
"your next task is to chug this pint of firewater."
The anthropologist does this.
"Now, take this tomahawk into the woods and kill a bear,
and then return and make love with Wide Ida the village flourpacking champion. Then you shall have proved your worth."
So off he goes. Two days later the Shaman begins to worry, then the anthropologist comes staggering back, all scratched and bruised with his clothes all torn but still clutching the tomahawk.
"That took a while longer than I thought" he said,
"Now where's this woman I have to kill?"
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[xs650mike]

In case you missed it, this was posted on the allxs11s list:

A seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What can I get you?”
The seal says, ”Anything but a Canadian Club on ice."

[mro]

Seals vs. Green Beret

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"


mro

[strom]

Got this from another forum... keep similar experiences to yourself!

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR ASS HAIR!

Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic ****- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

[D. P. Larmee]

Strom-Thanks a lot- I just laughed coffee out of my nose all over my computer.

[RS Thornton]

A little bit of trivia ......................

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)


If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (You're well on your way!)


A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life, .....) (How'd they figure this out and...why?)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew..? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Geez, that's almost as bad as catfish)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is.......Lucky pigs...


Have a GOOD DAY