We need some laughs..post a CLEAN joke....

[pathfinder]

HOW TO CLEAN THE TOILET

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

[sixtysix]

Ok some people will not find this funny,

[xssiveone]

SEX and Shopping

SEX and SHOPPING

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."


FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her we went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you -- she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled. "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[xssiveone]

Basics of Carburetor Operation

Originally posted by Desert Dave Norton in rec.motorcycles.

Brian



There's been some carburetor problems discussed here, maybe an
understanding of the basics would help.

Note, this is SFE (stolen from elsewhere)
================================================== =====

Basics of Carburetor Operation

The basic secret of carb function is that inside each carb are
thousands of tiny gnomes; each with a small bucket. As you open the
throttle, more of these gnomes are allowed out of their house and into
the float bowl, where they fill the buckets and climb up the carb's
passages to the intake, where they empty their buckets into the air
stream.

But, if you don't ride the bike for a while, bad things can happen.
Tiny bats take up residence in the chambers of the carb, and before
long the passages are plugged up with guano. This creates a gnome
traffic jam, and so not enough bucketfuls of fuel can get to the
engine. If it gets bad enough, the gnomes simply give up and go take
a nap. The engine won't run at all at this point. Sometimes you'll
have a single dedicated gnome still on the job, which is why the bike
will occasionally fire as the gnome tosses his lone bucket load down
the intake.

There has been some research into using tiny dwarves in modern carbs.
The advantage is that unlike gnomes, dwarves are miners and can often
re-open a clogged passage. Unfortunately, dwarves have a natural fear
of earthquakes, as any miner should. In recent tests, the engine
vibrations caused the dwarves to evacuate the Harley Davidson test
vehicle and make a beeline for the nearest BMW dealership. Sadly,
BMW's are fuel injected and so the poor dwarves met an unfortunate end
in the rollers of a Bosch fuel pump.

Other carb problems can also occur. If the level of fuel in the float
bowl rises too high, it will wipe out the Section 8 gnome housing in
the lower parts of the carb. The more affluent gnomes build their
homes in the diaphragm chamber, and so are unaffected. This is why
the bike is said to be "running rich".

If the fuel bowl level drops, then the gnomes have to walk farther to
get a bucketful of fuel. This means less fuel gets to the engine.
Because the gnomes get quite a workout from this additional distance,
this condition is known as "running lean".

The use of the device known only as the 'choke' has finally been
banned by PETG (People for the Ethical Treatment of Gnomes) and
replaced by a new carb circuit that simply allows more gnomes to carry
fuel at once when the engine needs to start or warm up. In the
interests of decorum, I prefer not to explain how the 'choke'
operated. You would rather not know anyway.

So, that's how a carburetor works. You may wish to join us here next
week for electricity 101, or "How your bike creates cold fusion
inside the stator, and why the government doesn't want you to know
about it."