We need some laughs..post a CLEAN joke....

[fredintoon]

The Poet's tale

This condensed from Pam Ayres' sound tape:-
A man walks into a posh hotel and says to the receptionist,
"Good evening, I am here for the party."
"But Sir, it's a fancy-dress party and you are dressed in ordinary clothes?"
"On the contrary, I am dressed as a tortoise."
"If you say so Sir, but what is the young lady draped over your shoulder dressed as?"
"Oh, that's Michelle."
>
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[Czekus21]

I don't know if this fits into this catagory but here's what I consider a joke.
Guy buys a WELL used Chevy Cavaler for $200.00 , Rivits a HUGE aluminum wing on the back, $400.00, Hand paints a racing stripe down the top of it with oil base house paint and a paint brush, snaps plastic covers on it's rims that look like floresant green colored disk brake rotors, Installs that high doller Krako stereo with one realistic speaker and a high doller sub woofer. Puts on a fart muffler and a bra. Then this guy pulls up next to me at a stop light. ( I'm on MIYAMI ) and decides he's got something to prove.
WhoDaThunkIt. You all do the math.

[jayklink]

Harley meets GOD

The inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle died and went to
heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
The Inventor thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't You the Inventor
of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said the Inventor, "professional
to professional, You have some major design flaws in Your invention:
1.There's too much inconsistency in the front-end.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. It is unreliable when trying to turn it on.
6. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
7. And, finally, it costs a fortune when you trade it in for a newer
model."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the
Inventor, "but according to these numbers, more men want to ride my
invention than yours."

[nashville_bill]

True Friendship

True Friendship Poem

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3 When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I
get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and to quit whining

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath..I pledge it till the end. Why?, you may ask. Because you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.

Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

[fredintoon]

Musical story

A med student is working in the morgue. His assigned cadaver is on the dissecting table face down and the student notices a cork in the cadaver's rectum. On removing the cork the student is astonished to hear a voice singing
"- - - on the road again, I'm on the road again - - - "
Exitedly the student summons his professor,
"listen to this" he says "isn't that amazing?"
The professor is not impressed.
So what?" he says "any ******* can sing country music."
>
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[fredintoon]

Censorship?

You mealy-mouthed sactimonious two-faced hypocritical pseudo-christian products of an incestuous union Bowdlerised my best joke.
Shame on you.
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[strom]

You mean /\ $ $ I-I 0 I_ 3 ?

LP

[Hobbit]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker said, incredulously. "He's decomposing!"

[fredintoon]

Phuque?

just testing the censoring device
ass
*******
asswhole
ass-hole
ass hole
@sshole
arse
arsehole
arsewhole
arse-hole
arse hole
@rsehole
Not wishing to sully the sactimonium, I just wondered how sophisticated the routine was.
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[strom]

How to insult, swear, cuss, and curse in 156 languages!

http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/index.htm

LP

[thumperjsa]

A man, his wife and his mother in law travel to the holy land. While there, his mother in law dies. A man there feeling bad for him tells him for $500, they will bury her in the holy land with a really nice service. They tell him, if he wishes, the other choice is to buy a casket and ship her back to the states but it will cost $5000.

So he tells them, to pack her up and ship her back. The man, confused asks him why would you want to spend $5000 to send her to the states rather than give her a nice burial in the holy land. The man says the last person he knew of that was buried there, came back 3 days later and he doesn't want to take any chances.

[randy]

A couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

LOL

Randy

[randy]

OK, maybe doesn't qualify as a joke, but this is some funny sh**.

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes...when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"


Randy

[REFFI]

Sitting down to "function"

I always sit down. I have a bad back and the doctor says I'm not to lift anything heavy.

Ralph

[pathfinder]

Blond

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" lifting her tank top to reveal a wonderful pair of C-cuppers.

"Errm, very good, dear," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24...."