We need some laughs..post a CLEAN joke....

[Hobbit]

Good answer

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!”

[srq68]

toilet seat dilema

Just leave the seat down and sit, enjoy a nice peaceful time... It really earns you brownie points, and there's no messy splatter or missing in the dark, stays cleaner longer, she'll love it!
If most of you think that's weird, there are more man out there that sit and won't admit it...

[Winterhawk]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage working on his XS1100." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"





The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[chevy45412001]

just some sayings

gliding down the highway doi'n 90mph when the chain on my motorcycle broke,sent me sliding cross the grass with the handle bars up my @ss and my balls playing dixie on the spokes.


in days of old when knights were bold and toilets weren't invented,we left or load upon the road and walked away contented.


if you want to $hit at ease place your elbows on your knees, give yourself a gentle squeeze ,and out it comes like rotten cheese.

[pathfinder]

Indian Wisdom

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on a reservation, smoking a ceremonial
pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, " You have observed the white
man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You have
seen his progress and the damage he has done." The chief nodded in
agreement.
The official continued, " Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where
did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it:
No Taxes,
No Debt,
Plenty Buffalo,
Plenty Beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine Man was free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night enjoying spouse."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[pathfinder]

Texas Troopers

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The
driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with
the stick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Texas, boy," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you
better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy
his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and
taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the
head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says.... "that two miles down the road you're
gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that ******* would've tried that
**** with me!'"

[Jerry]

The Bible on Marriage

Perhaps we should do a little homework before we let the Bushies, Pat Robertson, Rush Limbaugh and other self-appointed “righteous” folks make a constitutional amendment defining what marriage is in the United States. As usual, they don’t seem to have mentioned their complete sources and agenda. Fortunately, Phil Proctor, in his column “Planet Proctor” in the June issue of Funny Times, has, and advises us of the following potential legal language based on readings from the Holy Bible:
1. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Genesis 29:17-28; II Samuel 3:2-5)
2. Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; Chronicles 11:21)
3. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
4. Marriage of a believer and a nonbeliever shall be forbidden. (Genesis 24:3; Numbers 25 1:9; Ezra 9:12; Nehemiah 10:30)
5. Since marriage is for life, no federal or state constitution nor law shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deuteronomy 22:19; Mark 10:9)
6. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Genesis 38:6-10; Deuteronomy 25:-10)

[randy]

The differences between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife:

Prostitute: "I hope you enjoyed it"

Girlfriend: "I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did"

Wife: "Biege. We have to paint the ceiling biege"



Cheers,

Randy

[glenn]

Hope this isnt too much outside the guidelines

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."


In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.


In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's... just pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'" " He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F*ck me... is it midnight already???"

Glenn
Oz

[desert1]

mouse trap(s)

This really happened, my girlfriend was the witness!
OK I live in a rural setting, in a mobile to be Xact and mobiles tend to have mice.....so I have traps set out in the kitchen to hopefully catch the little critters, 2 traps, one tied to the other with yarn (on my mothers advice) the reason being, if your lucky enough to catch one she says he wont be able to make a clean getaway not with another trap to drag off...............let me begin; this mrng. I arise followed by the ladyfriend, I stumble over to the kitchen sink to fetch water for the coffee, then a snap! and a shot of pain goes thru my big toe.....I realise foggily whats happened and sorta curse a bit....then I turn around facing the ladyfriend sittin at the table she's laughing which makes me even madder (at myself), now I stupidly try to kick off the trap (mistake) the other trap which if you recall is tied to the on my frigin toe comes over and latches itself on to my other big toe (swear to God) now I'm turnin red, cursin with a trap on each toe, and the girlfriend is laughin and allmost on the floor! Finally, the traps fly off and hit the wall behind the girlfriend.... somewhere theres a mouse laughin his arse off! You had to be there!
Bruce Doucette
78XS1100 Alpha
79Xs1100 waiting

Hey , Jerry, like the picture of the 3 folks on the bike, did'nt see the kid in the middle at first.

[desert1]

Hey Gary

Gary, I'd like to forum group my "squirell" story but it may not be the place!
Bruce

[hamjam]

I ran across a man in the park. He was sitting on a park bench wearing a
chef's hat and a white uniform.
He looked sad.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I haven't worked in two years." he said. "My brother is in jail, and
people think that because he's a thief, I must be a thief too."
He took a moment to stare off into the distance. He looked back at me and
said, "I really wish people wouldn't judge a cook by it's brother."

[fredintoon]

A concerned citizen sees an old gentleman sitting on a park bench with tears running down his face sobbing his heart out.
CC "Sir, what is the matter?"
OG "I just got married."
CC "And it was a mistake?"
OG "On the contrary, my new wife is young and beautiful and loves me very much."
CC "Then you are sad because you cannot keep her satisfied?"
OG "No, no, we make passionate love two or three times a day!"
CC "Then why are you crying?"
OG "I can't remember where I live."
>
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[Lamric]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinarian. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.......

[deo]

a bit more fun

Does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington.

And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.