We need some laughs..post a CLEAN joke....

[sixtysix]

Cleaning out some of my old emails and found some jokes....

Some things you shouldn't say when trying not to get a ticket!!!


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)


2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?


6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.


7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


8. I pay your salary!


9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does...


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Jerry]

laugh..or groan....

Here is a photo sent to me by a friend:



Hate to be the kid in the middle....

[mjevans]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with
a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20
years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have
gotten out today."

[pathfinder]

Another

Arkansas Love Poem:

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will

But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell your Mother,

But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes ya' happy.

Marry Will, or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy!

[Hobbit]

humor

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."


____

On a technical note: Shouln't we only need two tools? WD40 and duct tape?
If it should move and it doesn't, use WD 40. If it shouldn't move but it does, then duct tape.

[mjevans]

Sorry, this is a long one but worth the read...

The Men's List:


Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from
the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These
are our rules!

*Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is act of terrorism and we do not negotiate with
terrorists.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or motorcycles.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's
like camping.

[nashville_bill]

Old Ladies at a Baseball Game

Three Old Ladies are at the Ball Game

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball
game.

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ballpark. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Finally one of them passes out. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many
players are on base?





Think!





Think some more!!





You're gonna love it......



Answer:









It's the bottom of the fifth, one out, and the bags are
loaded........

[sixtysix]

Snappy Answer #1
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #2
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #3
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead' Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[deo]

Rules of life

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages
of any kind.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you
was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her
believe them.

Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself,
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.

Work is good, but it's not that important.

And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your
bedpan.

[jkgrubbs]

A horse walks into a bar
The bartender turns and says, "Why the long face?"


Three nuns, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar
The bartender turns and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A man walks into a pharmacy with a duck on his head. He asks for some chapstick. The pharmcist asks how he wants to pay. The duck says, "Put it on my bill"

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Dosen't matter, he won't come anyway.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon. The bartender asks what he wants, that he doesn't allow his kind in there. The three legged dog just looks around, doesn't say any thing. The bartender asks again, and threatens to throw him out. The three legged dog doesn't say anything, keeps looking around. Finally the bartender comes from behind the bar and starts to grab the three legged dog. The three legged dog turns and drawls,"that's okay, I'm just lookin' fo the man that....shot....my.....paw."

And another one from my son.

A baby seal walks into a club.......

[T1ny]

A man walked into a bar.

OUCH!

(My daughter's favorite joke.)

[fredintoon]

Going to the races

A motorcyclist gets up early on a Saturday morning, gets all kitted up in his riding gear then rolls up the garage door to see grey skies, pouring rain and a cold vicious wind blowing.
"This is not the day" he thinks "to ride 100 miles to a motorcycle race" so he closes the garage door, hangs up his gear, gets undressed, snuggles back in bed with his wife and whispers in her ear "Its really nasty weather out there."
"Yes, and my stupid husband is out riding in it."
>
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[fredintoon]

Equity

Not a joke but a comment concerning the toilet seat problem.
While I understand mjevans concerns, one must keep peace in the house. What I do is put down the seat AND the cover after use. That way everybody has to lift something to use the facility.
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[John]

But...

If we do leave the seat up, it only proves that we did raise it. Would they rather we not? If the seat is down, then there's always that risk

[pgg]

An eskimo leaves his wife and mother in law in the igloo and spends the next 6 months away hunting seals.

While he's away, the mother in law dies. He finally returns, and enters the igloo.

His wife tells him his mother in law has passed away. The eskimo grabs a frozen fish and beats the wife around the head for ten minutes.

Sobbing, the wife asks "what was that for?"

The eskimo tells her, Woman, I've told you before - never make me laugh when my lips are chapped!