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Some are likely old by here they are anyway ....
MY Wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
lying in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded
to back out into
a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
MY Wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
lying in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded
to back out into
a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
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